Obama family arrives at US Capitol prior to inauguration swear-in

In Therapy With Tony Rezko’s Groundskeeper: Orange Man Broke Me

By John Kass

Aug. 24, 2025

Doctor, I’m so screwed. You see the news about the FBI raiding neocon John Bolton’s home? Oh man, I’m so screwed.

The New York Times just reported we’re hemorrhaging millions and millions of Democratic votes to those damn Republicans. And now Politico has come up with lists of  stupid woke words we should ban to just to maintain our authenticity.

Authenticity? What authenticity?

“Among the blacklisted terms: privilege … violence (as in “environmental violence”) … dialoguing … triggering … othering … microaggression … holding space … body shaming … subverting norms … systems of oppression … cultural appropriation … Overton window … existential threat to [the climate, democracy, economy] … radical transparency … stakeholders … the unhoused … food insecurity … housing insecurity … person who immigrated … birthing person … cisgender … deadnaming … heteronormative … patriarchy … LGBTQIA+ … BIPOC … allyship … incarcerated people … involuntary confinement.”

We need charisma like I had. Not a bunch of fools singing “Mama Look at BooBoo” to make the white folks happy.

We need to be real.

We’re about as authentic as J.B. Pritzker bragging that he’s a regular ass kicker. Or Debbie Wasserman Schultz thinking she’s hot in a great jeans ad. Oh we’re just so screwed. Now the New York Times is ridiculing Adam Schiff saying he’s an abuser of power and “guilty of McCarthyite tactics.” Excuse me Jamie Kirchick of the New York Times? Are you f’ning serious dude? McCarthyites?

The whole thing’s coming apart. I’m having these nightmares of being shipwrecked on an island and a cyclops with tiny evil baby hands. It’s why I need therapy, doctor. By the way, nice couch you have here. And my legs and back don’t sweat on this couch. Michelle says I never sweat, but how the hell would she know? Did my brother-in-law tell her?

Don’t you just hate it when you’re on the couch and your legs sweat? And your trousers get wrinkled? I just hate that. I hate wrinkled pants. You might as well wear dockers like those old white hippies women who are always protesting and singing like Pete Seeger.

That’s why I like your office, doc. It’s calming and you were a great help to my mental status, when Old Joe was melting down and they were blaming me and everything was going to hell.

What I like about your office is that it smells nice and you don’t have stupid tchotchkes on your desk, like those steel balls on strings idiots keep on their office desks, those pendulum balls.

I remember when I had balls. Before Michelle and Hillary cut ’em off. I had a great plan: use Comey and Brennan to Hillary in there for two terms and then slide Michelle in. But then Hillary had to ruin it all and she lost. Then Kash Patel made vindaloo with what was left. And Michelle is still pissed off.

I had balls of steele once, just like Hillary, ordering the FBI and CIA to ruin anyone who vexed me.

But lately? Meh.

I’m not worried about Bolton. I’m worried about what that new FBI Director is putting out: That bullshit that no one is above the law.

Really?

No one is above the law?

Does that mean me too?

Comey is freaking out. Brennan is freaking out.

Which one will sell me out? Hey, doctor, is that why you had me sketch my own “feelings?”

Listening to me just say those words just now sure sounds like a bitch.

I guess I am a bitch.

I don’t know, I don’t know.

Am I a bitch? Michelle certainly thinks so. She’s been kicking my ass all over. So I drew my damn feelings.

You’re going to bring out a doll next for me to play with?

Remember when I stood and threatened those black brothers who weren’t doing enough for Kamala?

That maybe the straw that finally broke the camel. I think they turned on me then.

Doctor, look. Uh,  I’m not going to say that my life sucked.

It didn’t.

I’m not going to say I hate my life. But I’m in need of mental help now.

People see me on TV, acting all that, laughing, so cool. But that’s the tears of the clown, when there’s no one around.

Yeah.

I went from community organizer preaching hope and kissing Rich Daley’s ass, to becoming a wealthy messiah unicorn protected by Billy Ayers to a guy with four-multimillion dollar mansions.

There’s that mansion in Hawaii, and that one in Martha’s Vineyard and the Kalorama neighborhood near the White House, from which I ran the Joe Biden puppet factory. Joe is such a f’n fool.

Doctor did you really think I’d let Joe run things? Are you insane? Don’t be naïve, Kay. And don’t forget the 6-bedroom 6-bath mansion I’ll always think of as “The House That Tony (Rezko) Built.”

Michelle hates it.  She won’tt visit. And that’s why she’s busting my balls with her ridiculous podcast, what’s it called? Entitled which? Who cares Who listens?

Not me.

Now  all this shade Trump is throwing on me with Tulsi.

It broke me down doctor, dude. Orange Man broke me.

He’s broken all of us, me, Brennan, Comey, everyone, CNN, MSNBC.

What am I gonna do? It’s just a matter of time.

Trump broke Comey like a twig. Now Comey’s coming out as a Swiftie? Is he in some hostage video? What the hell?

Brennan will crack like Queeg with the strawberries. And if Brennan isn’t Queeg, then Comey will crack.

Now he’s a Swiftie.

And Adam Schiff. If there’s anyone like Schiff it’s Richie Rich, the perjurer from ye olde England. He’ll break first.

I think this Russia hoax thing will hassle me for years, doctor. Worse than when my gay fantasies that got out.

I just want to bury it all the way I buried that amateur filmmaker and had him blamed for Benghazi to protect Hillary Anyone remember that guy? No. What about Maria Butina? No one remembers her either. Dust in the wind, like the Armenians.

And now they’re all dumping on my building. The nerve of these people.

That Obama Center is my refuge. No, it’s not a library, but does anybody even read in Chicago anymore?

“It looks like this big piece of rock that just landed here out of nowhere in what used to be a really nice landscape of trees and flowers,” Ken Woodward, a lawyer and father of six who grew up in the area, told the Daily Mail.

“It’s a monstrosity. It’s over budget, it’s taking way too long to finish and it’s going to drive up prices and bring headaches and problems for everyone who lives here. It feels like a washing away of the neighborhood and culture that used to be here.”

In the old days I’d call Brennan and Comey to 86 this guy. Now, I’m on my own, alone with my thoughts and the Cyclops with the evil tiny baby hands is under the bed. But I’ve found some help, a Swedish writer. No not Victor Davis Hanson. Everything he says about me is depressing.

I’m talking the Pär Lagerkvist book “The Dwarf.” I was hoping Peter Dinklage would turn it into a movie. Some might think me evil or amoral, like that paranoid dwarf, but really I’m a good guy. I’m a unicorn.

A unicorn.

Don’t you believe in unicorns? I was, once.

Men loved me. Women loved me. They all loved me. And now? Broken by the Orange Man.

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(Copyright 2025 John Kass)

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About the author: John Kass spent decades as a political writer and news columnist in Chicago working at a major metropolitan newspaper. He is co-host of The Chicago Way podcast. And he just loves his “No Chumbolone” hat, because johnkassnews.com is a “No Chumbolone” Zone where you can always get a cup of common sense.

Merchandise Now Available: If you’re looking for a gift for that hard-to-buy for special someone who has everything, just click on the link to the johnkassnews.com store.

Where else would you find a No Chumbolone™ cap or a Chicago Way™ coffee cup?

Because I know this about you: You’re not a Chumbolone.

Comments 38

  1. Lol!!!!!!!!! We have known all that for a long time. Sad that he did nothing for his people. He only helped himself and his bodies. Finally, the truth is coming out folks. Great job as always John Kass.

  2. Nicely done, John.

    How close is it to the truth (the talking to a shrink) ? At this point, might it really be ? I hope so…I hope he’s soiling his shorts. I hope they all flip, and all get put away. I hope Hillary leads the parade. I hope Schiff is close behind. I hope they all end up on Alcatraz Island, judge be damned.

    But I won’t be satisfied, relaxed or comforted until the perpe-traitors rot in hell.

  4. Funny!!!!! Thanks Mr Kass, I needed that this AM. I have long taught my students that baring some major event [like the Civil War] you can’t really judge a president or prime minister until they’re out of office at least 10 – 20 years. t isn’t until then that you see what they knew and the lasting effects [or lack thereof] of their decisions and actions. President Obama and Angela Merkel were demigods [to some] at the end of their time in office; increasingly, they are being seen as empty suits with little positive impact.
    Sic transit gloria mundae!

  5. Happy Sunday everyone. Thanks John for the humorous take on what may be occurring behind the scenes.

    Like Ken says, we need accountability and consequences for those involved. Political party be damned.

  7. Brilliant! More and more comes out abou the “Unicorn”…and his meteoric rise to power…when he ran for State office…wasn’t there a story that came out about his opponent at the time that dashed his campaign? (the opponents)…and then when he ran for Congress…wasn’t there a scandal that killed that opponents chances? Obummer didn’t get there by accident…he was helped by dirty tricks. Russagate was not the first by a long shot. We know who pulled Biden’s strings…but who is pulling Obama’s strings???

  11. John, either you, or they, left out “intersectionality” as one of the taboo Democrat words.

    And, I see that Pat Hickey called BHO a “vacuous dope”, a defining term that also fits Mayor Panic Attacks to a tee.
    Very clever column, thank you.

  13. Thank you John for another great column. I hope Obama and all the other Liberals that were involved in illegal activities are indicted and sent to prison. They thought they owned the government.

  14. YES! for me, a terrific Texas sunrise with Kass and his crew! All your names, familiar, adding sharp points and smooth adjuncts and, as I nodded about that early election, there a few minutes later comes, Alice Palmer…. And Blues For The West side comes on my headphones as I wonder if your class also enjoys a Latin class at your school….. and Alcatraz is perfect for the not just alphabetical/alliteral leaders of this puppet show, Axlerod and Ayers…. And don’t throw that cigar on a basketball court …. and tying that idiot mayor into another chuckle…. Yes, a perfect early Sunday read and revelry….thanks and bless you al

  15. Barry, as your shrink, I’m obligated to demand some authenticity about your problems. The problem isn’t your old Chicago gangster sponsor or your wife who’s even more of a witch than Hillary or the vulgar mansions or the Obama Center that looks like bad science fiction. It’s not even that you’re a creepy poser and political fraud. No, the real problem is that your whole bio — including those three “autobiographies” and the Times’ cheerleading — it’s all based on a lie.

    The real problem is you’re actually not all that smart.

    1. Bravo! Very well stated, David.
      BHO is not particularly smart. His perceived intelligence comes directly from a teleprompter. On his own, he’s a stuttering, stammering loser.

        1. Excellently stated straight, Dave. And Pat, your fine comments tend to make me reach, in this case twice —

          “You can fake intelligence, but you can’t fake wit.” — Oscar Wilde

          “The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.” — Bertrand Russell

  16. When all the King’s Mules and all the King’s Men, can’t put the Unicorn back together again, what happens then?

    Unfortunately nothing with Presidental immunity, but I can’t imagine the Living Hell he can go through because of the “one good speach” he made at the DNC Convention.

  17. I’ll never forget how I tried to steer people to “Rev.” Wright and his “I don’t say God bless America; I say God dam# America.” They didn’t believe me.

    And Barry’s temple? The Time Machine movie must have been one of his favorites. The white Eloi hear the siren and all start marching toward the Presidential-center look-alike Tower of Cannibalism.

    And yes, it will destroy those people who live and love that neighborhood.

    Thanks again, John, for fighting the good fight. Happy Sunday, everyone.

  19. Not everyone that should have therapy gets it. Some people with major issues deny them. I wonder if Barry is one of them? Some people think that most other people are the ones with issues. Same question, about Barry. Some people really need an exorcism as sometimes the soul at issue. Same question. We are coming to terms with the idea of a group of very powerful people doing illegal and immoral things to take control of a a government. What causes this? Mental illness, evil, or a combination of both?

  20. After I finally gave up on Chicago and moved to Lowcountry South Carolina, I would explain to people how Obama didn’t rise due to competency. I’d explain that, in Chicago you don’t rise through the political ranks without a lot of questionable help, questionable friends and plenty of skeletons in the closet. The Messiah Obama is one of the best examples of that.

  21. I was on board till the Daily Mail reference. You need to understand the DM is a London based scandal tabloid in the great Rupert Murdoch tradition of salacious rumors or almost nude young women on page 2 from Sydney,Australia to Soho. Nobody wants to parody old Rupert at 94 as he enjoys his Montana ranch with wife number 5 as he pulls strings for your guy in the White House. I voted for Obama twice and thought Clint Eastwood did a fine act with an empty chair in Tampa,long ago. But,Obama had flaws growing up in Hawaii and the broken relationship with his Dad,far away. Still,we did get healthcare reform,Osama Bin Laden still DEAD and something Orange Man has yet to earn,a Peace Prize in Oslo. John has become one note on Obama’s corruption but the better observer,Mr.Royko or even Mr.Terkel are still dead,too. We muddle through till 2028 but Lord,NO GAVIN NEWSOM AT ANY DEMOCRATIC CONVENTION PLEASE! and GO DA BEARS!

  22. John, another wonderful column to start my Sunday. The chunk of concrete in Jackson Park will always be a reminder of how people can be conned. PT Barnum said it succinctly “a sucker is born every minute”. Many young and idealistic professionals I know still smoke the hopium. EV’s, Wind Turbines Climate change (three innovations that line China’s pockets. )
    And are the biggest polluters, again China, doing anything to fix the problem. NO.
    Enjoy your Sunday. I know I will.

  24. Great shrink wrap of the great pontificator. The Gordian knot of de-Obama-ing this miscreant from our consciousness is, again, not the mess he made but the mess that made him. And coincidence made in Hell. Illinois’ own Cellini and Kjellander opening his Senate lane via their knifing of Peter Fitzgerald. The unsavory divorce filings of Hull and Ryan leaked right before the primary and general elections. The drooling unicorn groomers in the media that propped up a “present”-voting grifting “organizer”. The low information voters that saw in the media-created Obama inkblot test all the Hopium blow needed to secure his election. Twice. Preventing a reoccurrence looms large since the horizon holds too many BHOs-in-waiting. I pray Americans won’t be fooled once again.

  25. John
    I’d like to nominated for this month’s moutza: G. Maxwell, convicted of child sex trafficking for Epstein. AND did you know the govt is/was preparing another trial for her perjury in the Epstein case. DJT own former counsel Todd Blanche, now 2nd in command in DOJ, interviewed her and low and behold Epstein was interested in young females giving him up to 3 massages a day because ‘he was interested in their generations music’. She never saw this convicted child molester do anything wrong! And of course DJK never participated in any wrong doing while visiting the Epstein NYC mansion. A guy who is on tape saying he can grab any woman he wants by their female parts bcuz he’s famous. I’m sure Maxwells impending pardon will be greeted by the readership of your column with joy like the Janusry 6th criminals.

  29. I love it!
    But then again, for poor ol’ Barak, Karma is a B*tch. Does he think that after he is out of power and his influence is waning, that history will just gloss over his administration? He should just slink off to his Hawaiian retreat, ride around on his bicycle with his white socks and sandals and play golf.

  30. I was a CPD officer on Election Night in November 2008 assigned to the prisoner vans and my partner and I were assigned to Grant Park, which was where Obama was to hold his acceptance speech if he won. When it came apparent he was going to win, I turned to my partner and said we were witnessing history for this is the moment that America has fundamentally changed, and not for the better. Not to pat myself on the back, but boy, was I ever right.
    Good job as usual John.

  31. Yianni,
    Haven’t laughed this much since last episode of Gutfeld poking fun at Cracker Barrel’s CEO! Alas, Barry will be relegated to the scrap heaps of history, having stained his own presidency with lies, inuendo and deception. Those of us in Chicago knew he was a fraud years ago known as the absent senator from Illinois. He was all talk and flash – no substance. Yet he mesmorized the country with hopium, convincing so many leftists they were bound and determined to vote in a “black” president! He denied his roots and hid all his birth documents so no one could protest his origins. Sounds like a charlatan to me, using smoke and mirrors to distract us from the real Barry. And now we all know, “the rest of the story!” Thanks for the laughs!

  32. Let us not forget the original plan was to get Biden reelected so he could then be removed and Kamala Harris would be installed as President. An unelected president, one who had less sense than Biden, if that’s even possible. The overthrowing of this country by Obama and his minions would then be complete. The death of this country would then be complete. Thank God and Donald Trump that it didn’t happen.

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