The Big Guy and Me

By Tony Rezko’s Groundskeeper

Sunday Oct. 20, 2024

How do you like my fake name byline? I’m sure Kass won’t like it. But he’s a conservative. Look, ah, look at the thing for the joy: I like it. Yes we can!

It brings me back to long-ago in Chicago, where I’m building my presidential temple of love and fealty. Back in those days I walked on water as far as the media was concerned. They especially kissed up to me when they learned that years before, the Daley women found me as an infant floating in a reed basket on the south branch of the Chicago River. And since then I decreed that this was official history. So let it be written.

I’m looking at that selfie of us. We call it “The Big Guy and Me” selfie. Poor stupid Joe. All capped teeth and weak eyes. He always wanted to be called “The Big Guy” but he really wasn’t big was he? He was a little venal crook sticking his head out of the pocket of the credit card kings from Delaware.  Now eyes peep out from Xi Jinping’s pocket. He’s such a cheap crook.

Let me ask you: How many Big Guys use their own crackhead son as a bagman?  His wife Jill hates me. Oh, she really hates me now. She sees me across the room and gives me that hard smile with those hate-filled crinkly eyes.

Back then things weren’t really good between us, but at least I could live with it. He had his title. She had all of Joe’s mansions, all on a government salary (as if), and she knew that I knew he was grifting and using his kid as a cutout with the Chinese. How did I know he was grifting? That was China Joe for God’s sake. He’s been a grifter since his brother was the family bagman.

But I kept my mouth shut about Jill and let her live like a princess. Live and let live was my motto since the Chicago Way days. But really, she’s such a bitch.

Now I’ve got another real f-ing dilemma on my hands: Kamala’s blowing up and that disaster of an interview with Bair on Fox didn’t help. And now Donald Trump gets a standing ovation at the Al Smith Dinner and laughs at Schumer’s expense?

Kamala blows off the Al Smith dinner and instead sends a cringe video starring a pit sniffer. You kidding me girl? What am I gonna do with this dolt? Do you hear yourself Kamala? Do you hear yourself?

I can’t believe I said once that she was the hottest prosecutor in America.

And it gets worse. We lost another Democrat talking point. Crime really didn’t go down like we’ve been saying. Crime went up like Trump was saying.  Oh boy David Muir.

If this doesn’t stop Nicole Wallace will pluck out more of her hair, and nothing says dilemma like an anxious bald Deep State Republican commie on MSNBC spreading hysteria among all the other hysterical snowflakes. They’ve already got Joy Reid as the blonde, black revolutionary from Harvard. Do they really need another crazy bald commie chick?

And don’t get me started about Joy Behar.

Now Van Jones is turning into Black Jonathan Livingston Seagull saying Kamala is now Mamala, buying black men votes because she wants to give out free loans and legalize weed. When I first came to Chicago and black aldermen said I wasn’t black enough, they were passing out watermelons and hams and turkeys from trucks for votes.

Now it’s a 25-k loan? Can you spell Reparations Kamala? Do you hear yourself.

It got worse at church the other day at that funeral service for Ethel Kennedy.

With all the Kennedys there and the media, Joe comes up to me, whining like a bitch, echoing the panic of the true believers that you’re seeing all over social media these days, Joe saying Kamala is done.

He’s whispering loud using his crazy old man voice. In church!

“She’s not as strong as me,” he says and of course he’s loudly bitching about Kamala and I’m looking at him thinking I will never again underestimate Joe Biden’s ability to f – things up.

But I didn’t say anything, and he goes and says it again. So, I say “I know, that’s true” to shush him and because it is true. “We have time,” I said.

That’s a lie. Joe has no time. Joe’s time is running out. And so is the time for his crackhead son.

I meant I have lots of time. And I do.

I can walk up and down the beaches of Hawaii wistfully and barefoot for my Netflix specials—in my white skinny jeans and white shirt—like some f-ing designer Pegasus out of the sea foam. And I’ve got time to race-shame the brothers about how they’ve gotta vote for Kamala to prove to themselves they’re as black as me.

Part of it makes me think that, well, you just aren’t feeling the idea of having a woman as president, and you’re coming up with other alternatives and other reasons for that, but the thing is I really don’t need independent thoughts just now. Can’t they go back on the plantation where they belong?

And after race-shaming the brothers, I still have time to hang out in my new mansion where the rich white leftists live. My neighbors don’t want brothers hanging out.

But Joe? The Kennedys have ears and they heard everything he said in church. He should’ve  covered his mouth with his hand. Hasn’t he ever watched NFL football? The coaches on the sidelines cover their mouths. The Wise Guys cover their mouths. But Joe loves flapping his lips. I should tell Plouffe to put a covid mask on the old fool the next time they let him out.

To make things worse the f-ing New York Post hired a lip reader, Jeremy Freeman who was born deaf and hustles extra cash as an expert witness in court cases. Now its a story, like the fleet of drones flying over American air bases. Who’ll have to bite it? Kamala. That’s what happens in politics.

Where was I about Joe? “Yeah, we’ll get it in time,” said Biden. We almost put him on Mt. Rushmore for relinquishing the party’s nomination in favor of Harris on July 21 that the New York Post called “a mutiny that Obama was believed to support.”

No bleeping s—! I not only supported it, I directed it. And my media did what they were supposed to do, including the useful idiots at MSNBC and New York Times. Joe still hasn’t gotten over how I pulled that coup on him and Pelosi and I forced him to quit. Of course, Nancy has her fingerprints all over it. Me? They can’t finger me for it. They’re well trained.

I really didn’t want Kamala but no one else was fool enough to risk running and destroying their careers. Dammit. They didn’t want to take one for the team. Maybe Shapiro would have tried. He’s sharp and tough, but he’s a Jew. And I was kinda hoping that they’d set up somebody without me having to micromanage everything. What? I gotta do everything now.

And that’s when, in church for Ethel Kennedy and the Kennedys craning their Irish necks hoping to hear with rabbit ears, I whispered to Joe “it’s important that we have some time together” even though I don’t want to see him again.

I never want to spend time with that jamoke now. I might send a car to pick him up for midnight spaghetti dinner in Chinatown and then you’ll never see him again. Maybe that’s too urgently tragic but still…

YES WE CAN but I really don’t want to see him.

So, look, uh, I knew Joe would drag Senate Democrats down in November and the House, too. So Joe had to go. But man is Kamala a bad candidate. Joe screwed the whole thing up with all the criminal migrants. She’ll lose the Senate and the House. Bob Casey is sucking up to Trump so much he’s like a beagle humping Trump’s leg.

And she made it worse with her idiotic answers in the Brett Baier interview. I bet Willie Brown is laughing if he ain’t dead.

I knew she was a bad candidate; Pelosi knew, you knew. Baier knew. Trump knew that Xi Jinping and Putin would carve her up like Tren de Aragua on meth.

She wouldn’t stand a chance.

I bet even my old pastor Rev. Jeremiah Wright knew she was a bad candidate. I threw him under the bus as white commies demanded, and some called him an American hating commie and a stone anti-white racist, but he understood the politics of the street.

Pastor Wright was always warning that the chickens were coming home to roost. And now as Kamala implodes, as the brothers turn their backs, they’re all coming home.

-30-

Editor’s note from JK. Here’s some brand new Merch at johnkassnews.com—where you’ll always get a good cup of Midwestern common sense.

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Comments 50

          1. No chumbolones cups, 11 oz., and 15oz. Luv it luv it luv it.
            I wear my hat incessantly. Wife now refuses to let me wear indoors anywhere

  5. Funny , except it’s not . So O swaps out Joe for Kamala , with not a primary vote cast and the entire D Party goes in on the deal . Because if Kamala wins , the O Deep State will be running the show as same as Joe were running the show. A Government with a People . No more a People with a Government. And if DJT wins , the Deep State will lock arms and stall ,and frustrate, and defy him at every turn . Nice Republic youse had once

  7. John, this has to be one of your best columns. You made me laugh, even though the situation our country is in is so bleak, I could cry.

    The TDS will continue for years to come as long as there are power hungry globalists among us. I am not looking forward to more years of Trump bashing by the media, but we must take our Country back from these elitists. Power to the people!

  8. Don’t worry, Mr. Martha’s Vineyard. Nobody remembers Rezko and your home deal. Nobody remembers your setting the Illinois record for voting “present” and leaving no fingerprints. Nobody remembers William Ayers and Bernadine Dohrn graduating from traditional terrorism to hosting your fund-raiser.

    That funeral chat with President Magoo was a throwback. He remembers nothing. Nobody remembers anything.

  9. Trump MUST win this. And those who would succeed him need to help shoulder the wheel to get the republic back on its Constitutional course. Rooting out bad actors, and reforming corrupt alphabet deep state departments.
    Because the double barreled hate they direct at Trump will be back with a vengeance for 2028 no matter who heads a MAGA ticket. And who could stomach all of that the way that Trump has?

  11. Classic, sardonic column filled with mirth and schadenfreude. But let’s not start just yet measuring the oval for new curtains, counting our chicks before they hatch or congratulating Thomas Dewey, er, Trump, on his brilliant campaign, or whatever metaphor floats your boat. One cannot underestimate the plantation mentality and zombie-esque tradition of Dem base voters. It’s still the eejit Kamala’s race to lose despite her putrid campaign to date. If the GOP cannot get out its vote in the swing states, the House, Senate and the presidency will be all-blue.

    1. You’re right Jim, people tend to forget that millions of dems are affected by the mind-numbing hate for Trump, and that has infected their brains. I fear that we are out-numbered by these idjuts voting for these commie clowns.

    2. Jim
      The abortion issue (and 2nd amendment) will drag the Democrats across the finish line. You can put that on the board……………yes.
      The women (5Ws: wacky, weighty, wealthy, woke, white women) of the Dem party run and control politics in this country. Get used to it. We will be long gone from this earth b 4 that changes.

    3. No parallel here to a Plantations. No, you gave to call out New England. Secular Calvin’s.

      California and Chicago are Colonies of Cambridge MA. This is the only way something like Obama Biden ever happens

  13. Thank you Mr. Kass for this great piece. It was almost as if I had turned the front page of the paper in a bygone era and saw your face alongside this column. Too bad the paper is no longer worthy of such writing. Keep it up!

  15. Yianni,
    Vintage Kasso! Even though the wizzard of oz tries to hide behind the curtain, you have successfully pulled it aside and revealed the one pulling the strings, or working the (voting booth) levers. This coup had Obama’s fingerprints all over it, and yet, not a hint on any mainstream media as it unfolded. Hell, he even managed to get Pelosi blamed for it all! What a stroke of genius! And now, as we await the coming election results, he continues his efforts, albeit-too little-too late – to bolster his socialist, white hating agenda with losing candidates…aka losers all!
    Well done Yianni! Eis anotera!!!

  16. Brilliant! There’s no doubt that The Anointed One runs their show. The dems have been stealing elections for decades and have pretty much perfected it. Trump will need the votes of all right thinking Americans (and some wrong thinking ones too) to win.

  17. Kudos to K man for this one…..you missed one vanity tidbit of the day in the early seventies when Joe was walking around Washington with his head bandaged like a turban from a botched hair transplant…..he probably got it in Mexico. What a trip he is !

  19. Royko had a very effective alter ego…Slats Grobnik….always sticking pins in the Boss Daley voodoo dolls……..we want more of The Groundskeeper.

  22. “Pastor Wright was always warning that the chickens were coming home to roost. And now as Kamala implodes, as the brothers turn their backs, they’re all coming home.”- Good. And you too! And if that really happent, I would finally send you the 20 bucks you have been asking all along to finish your love mansion you have been building on the shores of Chicago. I would never forgive myself for voting you in that 2008 presidential race. It’s all that John McCain’s fault, that Chumbolone walking behind you while you’re talking during the debate, with his hands folded behind his back. That was so disrespectful and disgusting for a guy who so much brags about his army service. That’s why I voted for you and so were the millions watching that debate. Any way come home to Chicago to roost and bring with you that pretty looking, hot chick!

  23. A fun and enlightening column! But after I heard about the lip reader saying that obama said “we have time, ” that scared me. Time for what? Time for him and Brennan, etc. to print up millions of harris walz ballots and dump them in the middle of the night?

  24. Outstanding! Be happy everyone. After Trump wipes the map with Kamala, the Groundskeeper will retire to his villa and keep muttering, “why did I do it, why did I do it?”

  25. So democrat voters have little to choose from in the primaries as Bernie, Liz Warren, and the rest are told they can’t run. Biden is handed the nominee even with his current Stage 5 Dementia being denied, and exposes himself on the debate stage. Within a week, the Dems decide to take the votes away from Biden – the votes that the people gave him, and they go on to basically tell their base that “we know better”.

    Wasn’t Kahlua Harris the one that didn’t get one delegate? Wasn’t she the one that the party was looking to replace as VP on that ticket, but got caught up in their DEI philosophies? Yes – she is completely not qualified, but she checks all the boxes.

    Am I wrong to think that we don’t realize that “the fix”

  26. So democrat voters have little to choose from in the primaries as Bernie, Liz Warren, and the rest are told they can’t run. Biden is handed the nominee even with his current Stage 5 Dementia being denied, and exposes himself on the debate stage. Within a week, the Dems decide to take the votes away from Biden – the votes that the people gave him, and they go on to basically tell their base that “we know better”.

    Wasn’t Kahlua Harris the one that didn’t get one delegate? Wasn’t she the one that the party was looking to replace as VP on that ticket, but got caught up in their DEI philosophies? Yes – she is completely not qualified, but she checks all the boxes.

    Am I wrong to think that we don’t realize that “the fix” isn’t in? With 14 states and the District of Columbia already passing laws that allow voters with NO ID to vote, and a flood of over 12M + illegal immigrants in this country, that these are 100% new votes for Harris. If they don’t vote for her, the free-bies stop and they may have to return to their last home. Two of those states where immigrant population has grown from +200% -+450% are in swing states (AZ and PA). Am I wrong to think that the dems let Harris loose as it doesn’t matter what she says now – they have it covered? Please tell me I am reading this wrong.

  27. Say, Mr. Groundskeeper – did you ever catch that gopher that was annoying Judge Smalls and the rest of those guys? Oh, sorry – wrong groundskeeper. His name was Carl, yours is… Barry?
    I see…
    That’s very different.
    Never mind…

  28. Well, my first reaction to this column, is that it is mean spirited and nasty. But then I realized the legacy media and the Left has been mean and nasty to conservatives for decades, long before Trump. Some examples. Jon Stewart and Michael Moore humiliated unsuspecting Americans who had no idea they shouldn’t have let those cameras anywhere near themselves. The first Bush, a WWII hero, was labelled a wimp, probably for no other reasons that he wore glasses and had a nasal voice. Kass dishes out what they deserve.

    That is the essence of Trump’s popularity. He came along and said you don’t need to take this sh*t, and said it loud and clear. The media scumbags, so smug of their moral and intellectual superiority, still don’t understand that.

  30. I hope Trump wins both the popular and electoral vote. Illinois will go to kamel, but we need to vote for trump to add to the national poll. Make it as hard as possible to cheat. Do Democrats really want to cheat enough to get her elected? It is a problem for them. If they wait til 2024, they may have to go up against DeSantis or Vance, if the trucks deliver at 0400 for Harris, it may destroy the country and the Left.

  31. John Kass, thank you for one terrific column….of course using a gardener, manufactured, seems like the story teller of greatness that is only held by John Kass. God bless you John Kass. We voted yesterday in Palatine. The line was really long and was almost around the entire building. One hour and a tad, it was a bit tense as my battery for my oxygen machine was whining about how long I was delaying changing it. LOL..no they did not offer any special ushering around the line for any of us using walkers, wheelchairs or on oxygen. No matter the alphabet, be it O or J or K, they can rest on the beach in DE or Hawaii or CA….hmmm. Must be nice to wiggle your toes on our dimes.
    It has been a great 86 years and with a few more items in my bucket list I am a happy camper. Next on my bucket list is to celebrate on November 5/6 as to Trump getting back into the WH and taking care of us, and the world, correctly with common sense.
    I am redundant in saying “God bless you John Kass” but to include your family also. Keep on keeping on. You are the best.
    Tom

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