Now Available: JohnKassNews.com Merchandise!

By John Kass

December 10, 2023 

I’ve got a big damn head to begin with. It’s unusually large as  those who know me would testify. What’s worse is that now that big damn head is overheated with dire predictions about all the mischief the left will cause in the upcoming elections.

And stress about the migrants, and more stress about the border, and now Hunter wants a pity party basically saying that the “evil” Republicans among us want him dead. Why? Because he was caught grifting with the “Big Guy?”

So much nevra and agita and aggravation, that the first thing I need is to cool down my big damn head, and the steaming brains bouncing around in there. And just by coincidence, the “No Chumbolone” cap has become available at johnkassnews.com.

The perfect gift for the fevered brow.

“I need one,” writes loyal reader Mary Roche.

Of course you do Mary.

“This hat would be a priceless addition to my Chicago memorabilia (as the city continues to deteriorate, my memories become more important!) Put me down for one!” said Tim Mattlin. “And keep up the good recovery and health plan!

Reader Bob Boren invoked my grandfather Papou Pete “How about one with the famous quote about  politicians speaking and donkeys (passing gas).

 

Funny you should say that Bob. A China Joe Biden tee-shirt recalling my Paupo’s famous saying is in the works.

So is the perfect vehicle for a deliciously stimulating Ponchino, the favorite morning beverage of tough Streets and San drivers who plowed the snow for taxpayers of Chicago. All you need is some brandy or Seagram’s and black coffee–and it tastes great in your very own Chicago Way coffee mug. And its made even tastier with the faces of WGN  radio producer Jeff Carlin and Mr. Big Damn Head staring out at the endless chaos of the world.

Reader Ward Karson writes: “John Kass please bring forth to the people a Golden Moutza coffee mug available in your store, so we may gift those on the left who rightfully require it! I would happily buy one right now! The Golden Hand (you’ll note, in properly capitalized first letters, a rightful show of respect) replete with a NAH! on a nice coffee mug would fly out of your company store and into the waiting hands of your people!”

Well as a matter of fact that too is on the drawing board and stay tuned. But you don’t need to gift left wingers because they already have everything, including an inflated sense of moral superiority.

“Love the hat!!” said Tom Gore,” Can’t wait to get one!”

Anyone can buy one. And subscribers to johnkassnews.com get a discount for their yearly or monthly subscriptions. (Secret hint–the yearly subscription model is the best deal in town).

I’m not doing this to make a profit  on hats and such. All I want to do is break even to cover operation costs and spread the word that all the world needs is a cup of common sense.

“Change my monthly to a yearly, “said John H. Ruder, “That hat shall be revered!”

Bingo. Let’s hope so.

So, to recap, we’ve got the impossibly cool “No Chumbolone” hat, The Chicago Way coffee cup, are available right now. And soon, keep an eye out for more merch to come.

“How much weight have you dropped?” said George Andrews. “You need to increase your bread intake.”

No I don’t. That’s not what my cardiologist wants me to do. I dropped 60. 30 more and I’ll be at my broken-jaw weight when Betty fell in love with me on account of sympathy. Once I get to 165 I can start fighting four-rounders. Can I bring my cane into the ring? Or would that be the act of a Chumbolone?

-30-

Comments 35

  1. You might want to learn how to use your cane as a defensive device, if you plan on being in the city during the upcoming peaceful protest during the demonocrat convention.

  2. John Kass has a head the size of a boulder in a Gene Autry movie – filled with wit, wisdom and willingness to be a ‘river o his people.’

    My pointy noggin can’t wait for the arrival of my JKN headgear!

    Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah!

  4. The reason your head is large (what we Italians call “Testa Enorme”) is that the room is needed for that great brain that allows you to keep your Greek ancestors very proud of what you do. Keep up the recovery, but don’t rush it too much- day at a time. And I’m ordering a hat and coffee mug- thanks.

    1. LOL – good one! I xaw that first used (for me) in a WC Fields movie where they were using it to joke about the size of Fields’ nose. Thanks for the laugh!

  6. If I may, please consider offering the Chumbalone hat without the red circle and strike through it. You can call it the Illinois taxpayer version.

    We are happy to see your magnificent recovery, John!

  9. Nice hand on the shelf behind you. Might I suggest you make a plaster cast of your actual hand? You can use the molding gel available at artist supply stores. I’ve made one of the Lithuanian spyga.

  10. As someone who has preferred the descriptive adjective “chooch” that I learned from my dad and uncles growing up on the northwest side (having nothing to do with former aldermen Lou Farina and Bill Bsnks in my ward) long before “chumbolone” came into the Chicago lexicon, I must get that hat STAT!

  12. You got to make ordering your stuff clearer. I’m not a genius and I’m not a dummy, but ordering isn’t easy. Ordered hat, wanted to order mug- no go.
    Dennis Conway
    P.S. Why aren’t you on Dick (the drip) Durbin? He needs the rest of his life in retirement!!!

  13. Wow, I’ve never met you in person but between the loss of 60 pounds and that photo in the hat, you’re looking great, John! My annual subscription is the best money ever spent — we’re surrounded by idiots and your voice of reason/common sense is more important than ever. Thank you!!!

  14. Yianni,
    Must be our Greek genes, as I have same problem finding hats to fit my 7-1/2 sized kefali! Oh well,
    I look forward to my new kapelo! Stay well, we need your voice,
    Kalla Xristouyenna!!!

  15. Dear Mr Big Head. My youngest brother was referred to by the other brothers as “Jimmy Big Head” so I’m familiar with your condition. Both of you are very smart fellas, so there are a lot of brains in there. BTW, Just ordered my hat (thanks for the subscriber coupon) because “I ain’t no Chumbalone!” I’ll wear it proudly wherever I go. Thanks for all you do in the fight against stupidity and political tribalism among other societal ills.

  16. Great Merch and ideas.
    Any SWAG bags in the future – lol!
    How about another No Chumbalone coffee cup with Zeus the Wonder Dog?
    I’m still waiting for Zeus’ take on the Commander saga in the White House.

    You look great, stay healthy.

  19. John, the hat looks great on you! I will get one so I can explain what a chumbalone is to all my Floridian neighbors who have recently moved here and escaped from the high tax, crime and corruption blue states like Illinois! Oh, and to cover my balding head while fishing here in the sunshine!

  20. I would love a Golden Moutza t-shirt so I can just walk around silently . Every time I go to the grocery store, there is at least one person who deserves a good “NAH!” I think Papou Pete’s “donkeys breaking wind” saying would be great in a t-shirt too. I will settle for a replica of the hat on your head. Even people who don’t read your column can figure out what that means, and it’s a good advert for you if anybody asks!

  23. George Andrews has it partially correct. Bread will cause you to gain weight. But your doctor has the most important part right, don’t eat bread because you need to lose weight for your health. Bread = sugar. Keep going, you look great. And now I’ll close my comment and return to minding my own damn business with this hashtag; #ihatetypetwodiabetes.

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