Celebrate the Departing Celebrities

By David Bittinger

November 10, 2024

As Donald Trump campaigned to regain the presidency, at least 20 deeply important celebrities issued loud alarms if disobedient Americans again failed to realize that Trump had been disapproved by righteous show biz personages.

Some celebrities threatened to break American hearts by dramatically emigrating if Trump won again. (This time they really meant it, honest.) None seemed aware that a majority of American hearts would beat joyfully quicker at progressive celebrity emigration.

Here are a few luminaries whose brilliance might soon shine elsewhere.

Amy Schumer — Oh, no. America might be abandoned by the comic whose performances are almost as funny as Mad Cow Disease?

Jon Stewart — Don’t leave, Jon! Who will report the “news” to illiterate young people?

Barbra Streisand — I seem to recall that she’s thrown this tantrum many times before. Her first threat might have been to move to Persia if Hoover defeated FDR.

Lena Dunham — That’s a current celebrity? Didn’t Lena Dunham play first base for the Cubs in the 80s?

Bryan Cranston — Now, I actually would regret this outstanding actor moving on to act in Cuba or The People’s Republic. Apparently, he’s gone from Breaking Bad to Breaking Wind.

Lady Gaga — Be sure to take your Autotune with you.

Snoop Dogg- Didn’t Snoop write Second Treatise of Government, arguing that the state has power over the people only so far as they are willing to accept it? Hmmm…that does sound like something written by The Dogg, but the author was actually John Locke. During the first Trump campaign, when Snoop threatened to move to Toronto if Trump were elected, he did write the influential song  R A A Freak. 

Chelsea Handler — She’s a singer, right? Or an actress? Well, it doesn’t matter. When apparent celebrity Chelsea Handler declares someone unfit for the presidency, she must be right, especially if apparent celebrity Omari Hardwick declares the same. Weren’t they both in the cast of Star Wars: Revenge of the Nerds (was that epic Star Wars film #42)? Maybe The Empire Strikes Out?

Cher — Reaching for a hyperbolic joke, Cher said she might seek maximum distance from President Trump by moving to Jupiter. Actually, that would be seriously right for Cher: an all-gas site that nobody dares get near.

Three celebrities especially deserve just the right new country. I’m happy to be their travel agent.

Robert De Niro — Recommended new country: Cuba

De Niro won a sustained standing ovation from celebrities at the 2018 Tony Awards by starting a speech shouting “I’m gonna say one thing: F*** Trump!” The assembled celebrities were deeply impressed by this act of political courage in front of an audience of people with identical opinions. Triumphantly raising his fists, De Niro obviously impressed himself.

The actor needs a new production for that role. He should move to Cuba, produce a big event in Havana and open a speech with “F*** Castro! The one who died and the one who’s still alive! And that Diaz-Canel, the new dictator, too. Yeah, f*** ‘em all!”

De Niro would probably be the only celebrity at the event, but that should enhance the attention he craves. He’ll even find himself quickly positioned to research prison reform.

Whoopi Goldberg — Recommended new country: North Korea

Whoopi is all for demanding more DEI: diversity, equity, and inclusion. She’ll get a great opportunity to work for DEI in North Korea.

That nation’s political and judicial powers are ultra-progressive in diversity (live admirers of the government as well as dead detractors), equity (all non-party members have equal levels of hunger), and inclusion (be extremely included or else).

You could call North Korea The View with nuclear weapons.

Rob Reiner — Recommended new country: Venezuela

Talented director Reiner has been an energetic promoter of leftist politics and Democrat presidents. But just four months ago he suddenly demanded the removal of the dummy president he’d steadfastly supported, even though that president had been mouthing the policies of correct leftist ventriloquist handlers for three years.

Reiner’s endorsement of the progressive coup was not caused by the administration’s demented policies on the economy, immigration, and crime. No, Rob went pro-coup because the president’s dementia was dramatized on-camera.

So, Rob, fellow California power broker George Clooney, and other California power broker Nancy Pelosi moved Biden to a beach chair faster than you could say “threat to democracy.”

Rob’s politics would be right at home there. Sure, Venezuela’s population now is hungry and desperate, suffering a 25-year decent to poverty from 1999, when the country had the second strongest economy in the Western Hemisphere and people weren’t eating their pets.

And Venezuela will show Reiner how rapidly socialism works.

-30-

David Bittinger lives defensively in Packers country but still feels deep affection for the Chicago he moved from shortly after the kingdom of Daley The First. As a young advertising copywriter in Chicago, he was advised by the Tribune’s wise Managing Editor to write newspaper commentary. This good advice took 15 years to sink in. The great, open-minded Tribune Commentary Editor Marcia Lythcott published him a number of times. His op-eds were also published at the Washington Post, Los Angeles Times, St. Louis Post-Dispatch, and elsewhere. Today he posts articles on his seldom-visited website curveballcommentary.com and political poetry on “X.”  He’s remained a faithful White Sox fan since the Louie-Nellie era, but is now embarrassed even to wear that fine logo. 

Comments 50

  1. The entire shower of bastards who be very happy in Woke Ireland – free to spew anti-Semitic and pro-Hamas bilge, wallow in abortions and rat-out their neighbors.

    Yep. The current state of Ireland will be a utopian balm for these hurting nitwits.

    Well done, David!

    1. Mr. Hickey,

      No longer the country of our ancestors. Not Mom or Dads Ireland, that I knew.
      Last August the US Embassy issued a travel alert for visiting Americans to be in there hotels by seven, before it got dark, because Dublin wasn’t safe…the new accepted citizens were protesting the Irish culture, not assimilating into the culture, committing robberies, thefts and looting, habits learned elsewhere in the world.

      1. Just maybe Ireland could learn a few things starting 01/20/2024, suggest they watch our next POTUS Mr Donald J Trump!
        These mass migrations are destroying every country they go to.

    3. Good point. What happened to Ireland? At one point, the economy was strong, and flourishing outside the EU. Poland seems to have the healthy one now.
      I think most of European culture will disappear into the maw of Islam in the next decade. What a shame and a waste.

  2. So enjoyable. Place your bets on whether they will actually leave, or just buy secondary ‘safe houses’ someplace where they can be fawned over by a admiring populace that has been brainwashed into deep TDS by their biased media.

    2. Thank you for using the word vacuous. Sometimes, when I read articles, books,etc, I see a word that I have never heard before, so I take the time to discover its’ meaning. Thus, mindless. So, I now can use the word when describing various shows, people, comments and articles. For example:

      Oprah, commenting that if Trump wins, it may be our last election. Hence, vacuous.

      Tim Walz, being described as the Chief Senior Master Sergeant. Hence, vacuous.

      The show with it’s cast of character, The View. Hence, vacuous.

      All of the so called self important celebrities, such as Chelsea Handler, Cher, Whoopi, and the rest, who claimed they will leave the country if Trump wins. Hence, vacuous.

      A tired old now B-rated actor, Robert DeNiro who babbles on using every foul mouth epitaph known to mankind, about how much he hates President Trump. Hence, vacuous.

      I cannot leave out B. Hussein O, Michelle O, Hillary and AOC. Hence, vacuous.

  5. I’d be more than glad to kick in X amount of money for their travel fare out of this country. Of course it would be for a one-way ticket. And,….a promise from them to never return again. Period!

    1. 1. They’re rich enough to buy their own tickets. In fact, they’d probably just borrow Leonardo DiCaprio’s global warming causing jet.
      2. What make you think they’d hold to their promise if you paid them?

  6. All those celeb loudmouths have been strangely quiet. Maybe they’re busy packing? Maybe they’re waiting for their keffiyehs to come back from dry cleaners? Maybe thay can’t figure out how to get out of their gated communities without assistance from their staff?

    Reminds me of the old phrase: “Don’t go away mad. Just go away.”

  8. Thank you. I have been scouring social media to find out has been keeping The List of the high profile personalities (I do not celebrate their existence, so I have a hard time calling them “celebrities”) who promised to leave The USA upon Trump’s election.

    I look forward to seeing the video clips of TMZ correspondents questioning them about their travel plans.

    Get to it, Harvey!

  10. Bravo, David! 👏 I can’t stop laughing. Gently reminding Lady Gaga to bring her autotune with her was epic! Was hoping someone wrote this column, and you were just the gentleman to do it!

  11. The Vegas Insider shows favorable odds that they gave been booked with a one way ticket on Elon Musk’s SpaceX Starship. Destination unknown in a galaxy far far away.

  12. Dave,
    Unfortunately, none of these socialists will see fit to depart their cozy mansions in America! If only their words had some truth, but we all know it’s BS. They’ll never have a chance to remain relavent in those leftist countries mentioned, and we can rest assured they’d probably be incarcerated if they shot their mouths off in those new “homelands!” Threats don’t work unless there’s substance to them, and we know none of these “stars” have any substance. I mean, c’mon, they read from scripts (others’ words) for a living!!

  15. A lovely column for sure!
    I mean I would cough up the 10 grand on a one way first class ticket to send Whoopi to the DPROK!
    Problem is that she would just re-emerge. Like the flu.
    To me it’s amazing how throw away our country is to those celebrities with literally nothing to lose. All in the name of Democracy. I feel sorry for those miserable wretches; progressiveness/woke is a horrible mental illness.

  17. No one is leaving. Their over estimated view of themselves won’t allow it. They must stay to continue to show us how angry and disappointed they are. Imagine if all that hate just went away?
    After all morning Joe had no idea of the cost of butter but he’s knows Trump is bad.
    I was watching that Tony award show when De Nero came out and everything he said was bleeped out. Here is a little fact a teacher had bought some of her young students to the show. Imagine being the parent that signed that permission slip?
    My father would always tell me these words. Everyone puts their pants on one leg at a time.
    Thanks for a great column.

  18. Very well stated.
    In truth, the one percenters have actually already left America- real America, long ago.
    In their elite jewel encrusted silos, their disconnect from an impoverishing working poor is all but complete. They are insulated from the decadence and corruption their politics brings to the majority.

  19. Yes, Gavin Newsome is eagerly waiting for George Clooney AND Taylor Swifts endorsement! Hopefully both respond accordingly. I escaped the socialist paradise of Chicago for Texas five years ago and am quite happy with the results of the election, both locally and nationally. Texas always does what Texas does. The people that have escaped other Socialists paradise like California and moved here remembered why they had to leave that state and voted accordingly. Trump and Ted Cruz just destroyed the local Democrat party. The Harris County Democratic chairman just resigned after the beating they just received. Texas still remains comfortably Red. I went outside to get my Sunday paper and noticed the strangest thing today. Something I hadn’t seen in years. I was so excited I had to show my wife…SUNDAY SALES INSERTS WERE BACK! Just like they used be! Coupons, sales at local stores. My gosh! The paper was so fat I thought a racoon had climbed into it and had to shake it out to make sure. Just like the old days. Of four years ago, that is. It’s almost like the country is saying WE’RE BACK IN BUSINESS! Good things are happening already. Our long national nightmare is over.

  21. By the way, maybe this is a little off topic but since democracy is ending pretty soon does anyone have a date/ time yet? I need to know so I can stock up on some frozen pizzas and beer. And if anyone knows where the concentration camps are being built I have a friend who has some swampland to sell and wants to cut a deal. Maybe someone can call CNN, MSNBC or The View to find out…

  22. Thanks for the great article. Another great big booster shot of steroids for my severe case of euphoria! I absolutely can’t wait for the long over due housecleaning to begin. I want mayorkas to go first (I think he is vacuous?) but there’s tough competition. More euphoric celebrations coming up!

  27. Mr. Bittinger – reporting from the North woods of Wisconsin, this past weekend. I was expecting a packed bar and raucous crowd. But what I received, at the Rock Island Resort (The Rock LLC) was just a handful of people. All happy for sure, at this hard line Trump establishment north of Merrill.
    But it was a cautious happiness, like that which people experience after years of bullying, finally stops

    My take at least

  31. Very, very funny, Dave. I am still waiting for Julia Roberts’ departure she promised from Trump’s first presidential victory. Ha! As for De Niro? If he doesn’t have s script in front of him, all he gives us are one-syllable words he stole from some role he played in some movie from some time long ago. you sure he didn’t already leave? Thanks for the chuckles.

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