By David Bittinger

November 10, 2024

As Donald Trump campaigned to regain the presidency, at least 20 deeply important celebrities issued loud alarms if disobedient Americans again failed to realize that Trump had been disapproved by righteous show biz personages.

Some celebrities threatened to break American hearts by dramatically emigrating if Trump won again. (This time they really meant it, honest.) None seemed aware that a majority of American hearts would beat joyfully quicker at progressive celebrity emigration.

Here are a few luminaries whose brilliance might soon shine elsewhere.

Amy Schumer — Oh, no. America might be abandoned by the comic whose performances are almost as funny as Mad Cow Disease?

Jon Stewart — Don’t leave, Jon! Who will report the “news” to illiterate young people?

Barbra Streisand — I seem to recall that she’s thrown this tantrum many times before. Her first threat might have been to move to Persia if Hoover defeated FDR.

Lena Dunham — That’s a current celebrity? Didn’t Lena Dunham play first base for the Cubs in the 80s?

Bryan Cranston — Now, I actually would regret this outstanding actor moving on to act in Cuba or The People’s Republic. Apparently, he’s gone from Breaking Bad to Breaking Wind.

Lady Gaga — Be sure to take your Autotune with you.

Snoop Dogg- Didn’t Snoop write Second Treatise of Government, arguing that the state has power over the people only so far as they are willing to accept it? Hmmm…that does sound like something written by The Dogg, but the author was actually John Locke. During the first Trump campaign, when Snoop threatened to move to Toronto if Trump were elected, he did write the influential song  R A A Freak. 

Chelsea Handler — She’s a singer, right? Or an actress? Well, it doesn’t matter. When apparent celebrity Chelsea Handler declares someone unfit for the presidency, she must be right, especially if apparent celebrity Omari Hardwick declares the same. Weren’t they both in the cast of Star Wars: Revenge of the Nerds (was that epic Star Wars film #42)? Maybe The Empire Strikes Out?

Cher — Reaching for a hyperbolic joke, Cher said she might seek maximum distance from President Trump by moving to Jupiter. Actually, that would be seriously right for Cher: an all-gas site that nobody dares get near.

Three celebrities especially deserve just the right new country. I’m happy to be their travel agent.

Robert De Niro — Recommended new country: Cuba

De Niro won a sustained standing ovation from celebrities at the 2018 Tony Awards by starting a speech shouting “I’m gonna say one thing: F*** Trump!” The assembled celebrities were deeply impressed by this act of political courage in front of an audience of people with identical opinions. Triumphantly raising his fists, De Niro obviously impressed himself.

The actor needs a new production for that role. He should move to Cuba, produce a big event in Havana and open a speech with “F*** Castro! The one who died and the one who’s still alive! And that Diaz-Canel, the new dictator, too. Yeah, f*** ‘em all!”

De Niro would probably be the only celebrity at the event, but that should enhance the attention he craves. He’ll even find himself quickly positioned to research prison reform.

Whoopi Goldberg — Recommended new country: North Korea

Whoopi is all for demanding more DEI: diversity, equity, and inclusion. She’ll get a great opportunity to work for DEI in North Korea.

That nation’s political and judicial powers are ultra-progressive in diversity (live admirers of the government as well as dead detractors), equity (all non-party members have equal levels of hunger), and inclusion (be extremely included or else).

You could call North Korea The View with nuclear weapons.

Rob Reiner — Recommended new country: Venezuela

Talented director Reiner has been an energetic promoter of leftist politics and Democrat presidents. But just four months ago he suddenly demanded the removal of the dummy president he’d steadfastly supported, even though that president had been mouthing the policies of correct leftist ventriloquist handlers for three years.

Reiner’s endorsement of the progressive coup was not caused by the administration’s demented policies on the economy, immigration, and crime. No, Rob went pro-coup because the president’s dementia was dramatized on-camera.

So, Rob, fellow California power broker George Clooney, and other California power broker Nancy Pelosi moved Biden to a beach chair faster than you could say “threat to democracy.”

Rob’s politics would be right at home there. Sure, Venezuela’s population now is hungry and desperate, suffering a 25-year decent to poverty from 1999, when the country had the second strongest economy in the Western Hemisphere and people weren’t eating their pets.

And Venezuela will show Reiner how rapidly socialism works.

-30-

David Bittinger lives defensively in Packers country but still feels deep affection for the Chicago he moved from shortly after the kingdom of Daley The First. As a young advertising copywriter in Chicago, he was advised by the Tribune’s wise Managing Editor to write newspaper commentary. This good advice took 15 years to sink in. The great, open-minded Tribune Commentary Editor Marcia Lythcott published him a number of times. His op-eds were also published at the Washington Post, Los Angeles Times, St. Louis Post-Dispatch, and elsewhere. Today he posts articles on his seldom-visited website curveballcommentary.com and political poetry on “X.”  He’s remained a faithful White Sox fan since the Louie-Nellie era, but is now embarrassed even to wear that fine logo.