Rembrandt's The Syndics

The Talk Stupid Roundtable of American Legion Post 451

by Pat Hickey

June 7, 2023

“Great Souls by instinct to each other turn,

Demand allegiance and, in friendship, burn.”

– Joseph Addison The Campaign

“I have a universal remote. The universe never changes.”

– Jimmy Z The Talk Stupid Roundtable Post 451

Men are different from women. No, really. In an age of idiotic twists to the truth, it is salubrious for males to bond and celebrate the binary opposition that has allowed the human species to procreate and dominate this planet earth. 

Males would wallow in our own filth without the sensible species who occupy their times on earth worrying about diet, pant sizes, good nutrition, saving for rainy days, mending our wounds, and pampering our vanities, Women are incapable of being stupid, much less talking stupid. 

We chaps, on the very other hand, worry not about birthdays on the calendar, wearing  a crisply laundered shirt  that is bloused above the belt line, or just that dapper dab of gel to make our thinning hair give us that Don Draper air. In our down times, after hours at the forge, mill, beat, watch or hangar, males’ bond and talk stupid. 

Stupid talk purges the busy soul of life’s detritus and debris, so that our bodies and souls drift deeply into the arms of Morpheus for straight eight, Women, on the other hand, store their woes, worries and what-abouts and get fewer and fewer hours of sleep. It is, it seems to me, the very nature of our binary constitutions, Vive La Difference!

Our stupidities and our embrace of meaningless outcomes (so long as they are hilarious to us) drives women to distraction.

Just this weekend, the elegant and thoughtful lady who deigns to be seen in public with me interrupted my revery. ” Are you thinking some great romantic thoughts for your next article in John Kass News?”  she asked me. “No,” I curtly replied. ” Are you concerned about our situation?”  she inquired. “No, heavens, no.” I responded.

” Well, what exactly are you thinking about?” my dove demanded.

“I was replaying that old Bugs Bunny Cartoon, the one where Elmer Fudd was morbidly obese and was mining for gold in the desert and sang, ‘ Oy Twamped and twamped and twamped for gold V for victoe-eeee!”

Exceptionally long pause. My love opined, ” I’m going for a walk.”

Yep, gals just can’t talk stupid. Were I at my get a-way American Legion Post 451, or the Knights of Columbus, or St. Joseph Young Men’s Club, or Post 187 in Chopper John’s garage, I might have waxed poetic on the above mentioned episode from Warner Brothers halcyon days, and been remined by stronger minds than mine, that while the gold found by Elmer Fudd came from a his very own dental crown, after having his trousers cut away by the wacky lagomorph. Alas, we were to go directly to dinner at India House in Michigan City and my reveries were solitary.

Men are asked, “What are you thinking about right now?”  We reply, “Nothing,” That is God’s honest, unexpurgated, and simply the truth. Men shut down like a desktop computer and go into sleep mode. Well, in all truth, it is cartoon mode. Our mindscapes are cluttered with black and white whistling cows, or horses cutting lumber, or bull fighting the whistling cows. Sometimes we rewind ripping yarns, or dirty jokes. 

When accompanied by the tasteful consort of my dreams, my stupid talk with boon chums is curtailed. This I understand. There are lovely woman veterans and members of the Post 451 auxiliary who are equally incapable of talking stupid, despite years of shared combat and comradery with males of the Post, who sympathize us with but dismiss us as idiots. And all too bloody right these ladies be!

Every male organization be it the Vatican, or the Elks Club is a haven for stupid talk. The League of Women Voters is free of such silly, trivial, and offensive nonsense. Well, it should be. I have never heard of a Men’s Auxiliary to the LWV. Not so, the American Legion, Ancient Order of Hibernians, or Polish Eagles. We stupid-up!

From Left: Tim “Timotheus” Pacholke, Jeff “The Plumber” Poston, Paul “Commander Kaos” Levay, John “Chopper John” Wooden, Jimmy “Jimmy Z” Zawocki, (back) Pat “Officer” Hickey

At American Post 451 in Michigan City, Indiana, six of us established the Talk Stupid Roundtable. Timotheus, the fairway turf custodian, Jeff , the tall bearded plumbing contractor, Commander Kaos, also handsomely bearded, a skilled craftsman and Post line-chef,  Chopper John, could stand closer to the razor, Crew Chief for Lutheran Air 3, Jimmy Z,  a  heavily salted Coast Guard veteran, chef, former firefighter and finance officer of 451,  and the hoary author of this offering expressed as one the fact that talking stupid  is healthy, important and vital form of recreation.  While we welcome all genders, the plain fact of the matter is that women are as incapable of talking stupid at any length, as cannibal noshing in the produce section of Whole Foods. 

Here are some of the topics proffered by the Talk Stupid Roundtable Post 451:

  • Beans, green beans do not go with tacos on Taco Tuesday M@#$%  F@#$%^s
  • Gender – You are either a pencil or a pencil sharpener.
  • Bond, James Bond – If it ain’t Connery, keep it to yourself.
  • Bud Light- Can Dylan Mulvaney still talk stupid? 
  • Time Management – ” Put up a buck and pick the exact moment that SAL Commander Jason walks through the backdoor. Times available one buck per bettor from 5PM – 6PM and no passing post by calling the F#$%er on your cell phone Chopper John!”
  • Resolved: Hickey CAN NOT play Irish Music on the Jukebox without adult supervision.
  • Sea stories & fairy tales begin with four words. Once upon a time/Listen to this shit!
  • Mint Jelly, a tasty addition to a plate of lamb, or the mark of genuine savage
  • Lenin – You can’t make an omelet without killing some people.
  • Any song by Billy Joel is as abhorrent as “After Noon Delight.”
  • Who weighed more – Kate Smith or Raquel Welch? Remember that muscle weighs more than fat.
  • Why is there a Jane Fonda Urinal Target? Why, indeed?

These meaty colloquies are tolerated so long as the F-bombs are taxed per Post 451 decorum rules. F-Bomb is a Buck and MF-Bombs are taxed at $2 per offense. It is right and just. 

Note the lovely and iconic mountain stream picture positioned above the six charter members of The Talk Stupid Roundtable. The flow of the river goes up to the mountain peak! That decorative has offered no end of sparky dialogue among Post 451’s congress of worthies. 

Talk stupid, men! Sleep well and live long!

God bless the Ladies!

-30-

Born November 8, 1952 in Englewood Hospital, Chicago Illinois, Pat Hickey attended Chicago Catholic grammar and high schools, received a Bachelor of Arts in English Literature from Loyola University in 1974, began teaching English and coaching sports at Bishop McNamara High School in Kankakee, IL in 1975, married Mary Cleary in 1983, received a Master of Arts in English Literature from Loyola in 1987, taught at La Lumiere School in Indiana from 1988-1994, took a position as Director of Development with Bishop Noll Institute in Hammond, IN and then Leo High School in Chicago in 1996.  His wife Mary died in 1998 and Hickey returned with his three children to Chicago’s south side. From 1998 until 2019, it became obvious that Illinois and Chicago turned like Stilton cheese on a humid countertop. In that time, he wrote a couple of books and many columns for Irish American News. When the kids became independent and vital adults, he moved to Michigan City, Indiana, where he job coaches Downs Syndrome and Autistic teens in LaPorte County.  He walks to the Michigan City Lighthouse every chance he gets.

Comments 36

  1. Good stuff to start the day.
    Who said that erudition was lost?

    I remember being told that all sea stories started with: “Now, this is no sh!t…”.

    Here’s two bucks.
    My neighbor’s dog has been barking for the past two hours and I’m going to go slap the M@#$% F@#$%^er in the head. (The neighbor, not the dog.)

    1. John,hope all is well! I wanted to bring to currents subscribers of the Chicago Tribune. Obviously through the loss of people like you,the paper is a mess! Now there is 1-3 reporters assigned to stories,where 1 was the norm.Alot of Associated Press make up the rest of the paper,except sports.

      I wanted to bring to your attention that the Tribune is now trying to “scam” subscribers by increasing monthly charges by 51% to $136.00 monthly. Previously, I felt overcharged paying $89.96 monthly! How does the scam work? I received a small post card in the mail 2 days ago telling me that $136.00 was being deducted from my account on June 11th. I challenge anyone to find a Chicago number to contact the paper,including Mitch Pugh. The number given on all of the websites is customer (dis) service at 312-546-7900 which route you to the Phillipines,NAH! Unfortunately, English as a second language does not work! I told the that if any withdrawal from my account for $136.00 would be reported as fraud. A supervisor gets on the line and confirms that the $89.96 (as a courtesy) would go into effect for the next 26 weeks. I’m 75 years old and don’t have time for this nonsense.

      Do you have any suggestions,because it obvious that Tribune management does not care! Hope this helps any subscribers affected

  7. Fantastic !finally an explanation to my mate and I.Good stuff Pat..The rivers up north here are looking good John.waiting for your return! George B. Manistee,mi.

  8. No offense to any of the other contributors to John’s site but you are the best replacement. This is coming from a proud Eagle member who has participated in many “stupid “ discussions.

  9. Great stuff, Mr. Hickey. I thought, for a long minute, that I had been magically transported to the bar at my own American Legion Post 697, where these inane conversations occur regularly. You are correct, men can have ridiculous conversations on any topic, for extended periods, and come ultimately to no conclusions. As proof, I am convinced that the iPhone was invented so that my brothers could send stupid text messages.

    You did, however, date yourself with the “Don Draper” reference, and considering that I’m only 3 years older than you I remember him, and it did give me a chuckle. Thanks for some great writing.

    1. We descant upon Elmer Bernstein’s score for “The Magnificent Seven” and its siren call. We debated whether we would answer the call of a Finnish Airline Stewardess to “have a drink,” or catch a re-run of that toxically male epic. The Seven Ride!!!!!!!!!!!!!

        1. Here’s a buck.

          I was being a smart-ass when I posted that, and now the F@#$ing song has been stuck in my head for two days.

          Hoist on my own smart-assery.

  11. Men and women are different, both inter and intra gender. There are men who may exhibit more feminine traits and there are women who may exhibit more masculine traits. We use to call them tomboys.

    That’s what’s so confounding about the gender fluidity garbage and identity. Men can be sensitive, women can be tough. It all depends on the situation and what’s required and what you actually find appealing and re good at.

    But yes, guys getting together, horsing around and busting balls with each other in good natured brotherhood is classically a male thing. And that’s okay.

    Where would we men be without the women in our lives?

    Thanks for the laugh Pat.

  13. Pat:
    Enjoy your writings , though I have to look up some words . lot of Stupid talking up here in South Haven at Mickey D’’s most mornings .
    Thanks for the laughs
    Dick Kavanaugh
    Post 49
    South Haven, MI

  14. Pat,
    I guess it’s true that we are from Mars, as we perceive the world so differently than our counterparts, the ones from Venus. (I must be careful to use the correct pronouns now, so as not to offend anyone of “them!”) But I must take issue with your assessment – I’ve crossed paths with some pretty stupid women in my lifetime, although thankfully, didn’t marry one of them! They were all beauties…until they opened their mouths without engaging their brains -which seems to be more prevalent today with both sexes!

  16. Good stuff to be sure! The only thing that would be better would be John’s Golden Moutza column. Not to push your recovery John but there is SO much to be mined there in Chicago. New mayor Brandon “don’t demonize our demons” should be right there at the top. With the summer body count rising his sound bites in response to shootings, murders and kidnappings should provide a LOTS of fodder for a Golden Moutza! His incompetence should be an inspiration for all of us! As the saying goes “shit flows downhill but scum always rises to the top”….

  17. Pat Hickey sez: “Women are incapable of being stupid, much less talking stupid.”

    Good sir, I hate to blow the entire premise of an otherwise fine essay out of the water, but it is clear that you have never watched “The View”. Perhaps that might be a future topic of the Roundtable?

  18. I married a “manly man” in 1965 when REAL men were the vogue! Strong and muscled at over 6′ to my 5’1″, I never felt afraid in any place, any situation or any time when I was with him because he had what’s called today “street cred.” I know this piece was written tongue in cheek but I lament seeing even just one more spoof of men, men who are made to look like village idiots/nincompoops/ halfwits/weaklings, etc., in commercials, on TV shows and in all other media on a daily basis….even to the point of seeing them portrayed by women who IDENTIFY as men! Strong men are seen today as toxic….but only by those who are jealous me thinks! Today’s society would rather see steroid takers who cry on the sidelines of a sport when they fail to take home the day’s prize….not the ones who worked out in the basement/garage with a set of weights, jacked up their cars to tune them up/repair them/change tires rather than call road service, played tackle football or chicken on bikes for fun instead of a simulation on an electronic device. I pity the women of today who settle for men who have “gotten in touch with their feminine side” because they don’t know what they’re missing. Yes, women should be lauded….BUT NOT AT THE EXPENSE OF MEN!

  19. I could easily talk stupid with you on gender, Bud Light, and the only Bond worth noting. However, I usually come up with queries about odd topics that lead me down a rabbit hole of research on the internet. I fear that one day I may be arrested by the FBI. You, Pat, will be my first phone call.

  21. As my hero, Al Bundy, once said when asked by his wife, Peg, “Al what are you thinking about.” Al’s response was the classic, “If I wanted you to know I wouldn’t be thinking, I’d be talking.”

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