By Pat Hickey

January 15, 2025

Some names have been changed for the hell of it.

Man, I took a beating in April of 1965. That was not my best year by far. The Nun I had for the tail-end of Sixth Grade at Little Flower told my folks that I was ‘retarded, obstinate, disorganized and destined for bad end.’ To say that I was a miscreant little jerk is not a stretch, and I remain less than anal retentive in my assault upon tasks. However, bad end? I think not. I have been saved by great folks.

Immediately following one of my numerous extracurricular Pre-May Crowning beat-downs by Sister Beautificus, RSM, I accompanied two pals Tom Scanlon and Bernie Weber eastward in the alley between 80th & 79th Street.

In their company, I took my first cigarette, actually my second, my first I got from Uncle Mike. This was my first time outside of the tribal circle. My companions were considered a bad lot in the common room of the school’s convent, whose families lived in the apartments along Ashland Avenue on the Little Flower side.

One guy, Tom, is now a retired school psychologist and the other, Bernie, became a much-decorated Chicago fireman, also retired.

All three of us had written satirical essays on the upcoming May Crowning, which offended Sister Beautificus, who asked me, ‘What would your Father say if he saw this?’  I waited a second, timing is everything, ” Who you think wrote most of it, S’ter?”  Flesh and bone was now open for business. Messy desks, slipshod arithmetic no SRA work done in weeks built the hooded Black and White into a Torrent of Spring Fury!

I took it on the cheeks, the ears, the snot-locker and even the gums, as did my boon chums. We celebrated this blood-bond with a pack of Chesterfields snitched from Tom’s Mom’s purse.

Upon the celebratory light-up, Bernie’s Dad’s car came bouncing through the unpaved alley at a great clip. Old Man Weber had seen us in the act,

“Bernie, get your rump home now! Immediately, if not sooner. Hickey – I’ll see your old man, when he gets off work and stops at Billy Ellis’s. Hi Tom! How’s your Mom?”

Mrs. Scanlon was a widow who worked for the Phone Company over on Stewart and was considered by every pater familias to be easy on the eyes.

“Fine, Mr. Weber, “Scanlon, obviously off the hook, spirited the rumpled pack of Chesterfield’s in my jacket pocket and tore ass south at the intersection of Marshfield and the alley. Mr. Weber glared at me, ” You’re as big a smart-ass as your Uncle Bart. I told Bernie to stay the Hell away from you. Bernie, beat it! You, Mr. Hickey, make yourself scarce.”

Swell. A brace of great communications concerning the fruit of his loins to candy Dad’s ears, prior to his twenty minutes at home before he had to go his other job at the Beverly Theatre.

Nun Battery followed by the manly art of snitching a nail. “I am well and truly screwed,” I determined with no prodding from the audience, whatsoever. Smart Lad!

I fired up another smoke and walked across Ashland Ave. to the Highland Theater – home of the Hercules versus Viet Cong and other B Movies. There were always sexy and salacious movie posters to heighten a lad’s trip to the Saturday Confessional. Always, a grand idea to tempt oneself.

I stood in the ticket bay of Highland Theatre on Ashland and smoked another Chesterfield with the existential fatalism of Sartre, jilted by some swell French Dame in tight sweater and tighter black slit skirt. I looked at ads of upcoming movies that I would never see.

A gruff but familiar voice assaulted my pornographic musings, ” Spit out that butt, Kid.” Jesus!!!!!!!

Cop? Uncle? No. Ignatius the school janitor? Nope. I turned to see furrowed brows and dashing sideburns, bushy eyebrows and Goliath-like terror of none other than Yukon Moose Cholak – The Wrestling Foe of Man and Beast!.

The man eclipsed the waning western sun beaming on the tar roof of Billy Ellis’ Wooden House, where the Old Man stopped for a Hamm’s and a Vinegar and Oil (Seagram’s VO Canadian).  The Star of Saturday afternoon pre-Confessional Wrestling, brought to me by Ben’s Auto Sales on south Western Ave., snapped,  ” Weed’s for sissies, bookworms and sob-sisters, kid.”

Uh, uh stammered I ,  ” I just tried ‘cuz the guys and me . . .”

Moose Cholak glared at me, ” Hey, save it for Aunt Gertie!  You wanna end up being some pencil neck, no good for anybody, salad eater, Boy?”

Given my proclivities of the tongue, I was more than familiar with the rhetorical question at this tender age and checked my natural tendency go all Noel Coward with Yukon Moose  Cholak.

Rather, I penitently answered properly, “No sir.”

With folded arms and a broad smile of avuncular approval, Yukon Moose Cholak ordered me to pick up the cast away cylinder of sin and put it in the cement ashtray near the curb like a good boy and then waxed poetic, ” Breakfast at Tiffany’s,  kid. That’s what smoking will do for you and our whole county. You know that they made it a movie a couple of years back with that skinny broad from My Fair Lady.? Now, pay attention!

The guy who wrote the story about that skirt that he liked to shop and hang around with fairies and rich creeps, started smoking at your age.  I saw him on Suskind’s TV show, when I couldn’t go back to sleep last week, and it stuck with me.

This tiny little bald guy with a pixie voice said his mom was some hillbilly hooker and that he started smoking as a little guy and it stunted his growth, made his hair fall out and talk like a girl. That’s no way, Kid. Now, where’s that saloon called The Wooden House?”

I pointed to the northwest corner of 79th & Ashland and corrected the wrestler, ” We call it Billy Ellis’s around here.”

With a smile, Moose offered this valediction, ” You got some lip on you kid. A lip on you that’ would trip a pig.”

How could one come to a bad end in this urban Arcadia?

I have not had a cigarette since breakfast.

-30-

Born November 8, 1952 in Englewood Hospital, Chicago Illinois, Pat Hickey attended Chicago Catholic grammar and high schools, received a Bachelor of Arts in English Literature from Loyola University in 1974, began teaching English and coaching sports at Bishop McNamara High School in Kankakee, IL in 1975, married Mary Cleary in 1983, received a Master of Arts in English Literature from Loyola in 1987, taught at La Lumiere School in Indiana from 1988-1994, took a position as Director of Development with Bishop Noll

 Institute in Hammond, IN and then Leo High School in Chicago in 1996.  His wife Mary died in 1998 and Hickey returned with his three children to Chicago’s south side. From 1998 until 2019, it became obvious that Illinois and Chicago turned like Stilton cheese on a humid countertop. In that time, he wrote a couple of books and many columns for Irish American News. When the kids became independent and vital adults, he moved to Michigan City, Indiana, Hickey substitute teaches K-12 for Westville, Indiana schools and works as a tour guide/deckhand on the Emita II tour boat. He walks to the Michigan City Lighthouse every chance he gets.