Mr. President: Double chocolate, chocolate chip or how about a deluxe “Carlos Slim” cone with Hunter sprinkles?

by John Kass

When our president, Joe Biden, visits Illinois on Wednesday—selling yet another multi trillion-dollar spending plan—I worry that two things will happen:

The first is that he’ll do his whispering bit.

And the second, is that he might be asked a tough question about his favorite topic.

Ice cream.

But there still might be questions asked at his staged, scripted event in McHenry County, far from Chicago. So, a bit farther down in this space I’ve written out a few questions for the president.

Now about that whispering business. The nation seems divided on the whispering, with some thinking it’s a harmless, crazy affectation, part of his aging uncle Joe shtick.

Yet with the ambitiously insincere Vice President Kamala Harris next in line, some of us find his whispering to be terrifying.

When I hear the president whisper, I think of the Conrad Aiken horror story “Silent Snow, Secret Snow,” about a little boy, Paul, who was driven mad by the snow.

The snow whispered at Paul. It whispered and hissed and whispered some more. The snow just wouldn’t stop whispering.

But this is July. There is no whispering snow.  And besides, Joe Biden isn’t a little boy named Paul losing his connection to reality in some scary story.

He’s the president.

When asked about something other than ice cream, Biden has another habit.

He fumbles for notes, upon which are written– as he keeps telling us—the things “they” have told him to say so he “won’t get in trouble” with “them” by saying the wrong thing.

They? Who are these people who dare dictate to an American president?

 Biden already has his hands full avoiding questions about his son Hunter’s foreign business dealings in Ukraine and China that are under investigation. And if that weren’t enough, he’s also busy playing a gentle old man in one those visiting home-care angels commercials.

Who are “they” anyway?

Some of you no doubt will say I’m mocking him. I’m not. My mom is 91. I know about this firsthand, as do many of you.

But my mom is not president of the United States.

This fumbling for notes “they” want him to read and the whispering, is an image the predatory nations of China, Russia, Iran and others (who say they’re our allies) understand.

It isn’t an image of American confidence. It’s more like a limping herbivore as lions flatten themselves in the tall grass.

But think of the alternative.

Vice President Harris and her hideous cackle announcing her incompetence at every turn.

Clearly, we’re in deep, deep, yogurt, caught between Scylla and Charybdis until 2024.

Perhaps that is why Biden’s allies in the Washington Democratic Media Complex treat him so gently. They know Harris.

It’s too bad that President Biden isn’t holding his event in Chicago, the Democratic Chicago that voted overwhelmingly for him, and which has just suffered one of the most violent weekends in its history.

Reports were that 104 people were shot over the Independence Day weekend in the street gang wars, including children, and 19 were killed.

The Chicago where two cops were also shot, where politicians spend time on renaming thoroughfares.

The Chicago where on July 4 in the Loop, mobs of hundreds of yutes wreaked havoc, with several arrested carrying guns.

Some in local media twisted themselves up in rhetorical knots, finally describing what happened in the Loop as a “disturbance.”

Will it fool tourists?

Yet whatever you call it, President Antoinette (let them eat waffle cones) was scheduled to be in Crystal Lake.

Illinois Democrats insist it isn’t a political event, though Biden is expected to be joined by our own grinning Gov. Commodius Maximus, and Democratic U.S. Reps. Lauren Underwood and Sean Casten, in the only collar county that Biden did not win in November.

“The event is not a political event,” said Kristina Zahorik, chair of the Democratic Party of McHenry County, in a written statement reported by the Daily Herald.

“We are excited, however, that the president is highlighting our great community college and thank him and our Illinois Democratic delegation for supporting building back better with investments in the American Rescue Plan, the American Infrastructure Plan, and the American Family Plan.”

Thanks Kristina, for listing all the non-political plans that center around Democrats spending trillions, spiking inflation, just so they might buy votes.

For balance, I called the new chairman of the Illinois Republican Party, Don Tracy.

“Now that we know that Biden is a puppet or front man for lefties like AOC and Bernie, it’s not surprising that he would come to Illinois to hang out with homegrown radicals like Governor Pritzker and Reps. Underwood and Casten, and learn new ways to promote socialism, welfare dependency, cronyism, woke schools, and lawlessness,” Tracy said.

Now for the questions.

 I suppose the event—like all the others—will be scripted and the “they” who stuffed his suit coat with various notes will seek out an ice cream vendor to ask him easy questions.

But here are a few other questions just in case:

Mr. President, you’ve insisted that news stories about Hunter and his business dealings in Ukraine and China, and those photos on Hunter’s laptop were fakes.

So, is that a “fake” photo of you, Carlos Slim and Hunter?

If it’s not fake, what did you talk about with Carlos Slim and Hunter? Your 368-foot home run in a Congressional baseball game when you really went 0-2 at the plate?

Mr. President, how many chocolate chips can an American ice cream vendor buy with the 16 cents saved on his Independence Day hotdogs?

And what do you think of Rep. Casten there standing next to you, grinning. In discussing the 2nd Amendment, Casten said that “having small genitals is not a sufficient reason to own a gun.”

Do you agree with this Mr. President?

Mr. President, would you please defend again the teaching of Critical Race Theory in elementary schools over the objection of parents? But this time would you please use that voice you used while addressing Black voters a few years ago, condemning Mitt Romney as a racist, by saying “He’ll put y’all back in chains.” Thank you.

Mr. President, without looking at notes or whispering, can you tell us what the Declaration of Independence says about our inalienable rights as Americans?

You know, you, know, the thing?

Mr. President, in the trillions of dollars you’re spending these days, is there hidden in legislation enough for Boston Dynamics to make a life-like presidential Biden robot, I mean, just in case we really need one?

And a follow up if I may: How much does it cost to make the robot walk stiffly, fumble through its suit jacket to find notes “they” have written for him, and eat ice cream without shorting out?

Mr. President, did your handlers (including Dr. Jill) put Kamala Harris in charge of the border as payback for her calling you a racist during the campaign?

Or was it a means of nipping in the bud any speculation on the 25th Amendment?

The Vice President has once more publicly demonstrated her incompetence, and this again raises fears about whether you have the staying power and acuity to make it to 2024.

So, with this in mind, let me hold up these photographs of a rhino, a lion and a camel.

Which one of these is a camel, Mr. President?

And finally, Mr. President, wouldn’t you rather have two scoops of Carlos Slim on a waffle cone, with some Hunter sprinkles?

(Copyright 2021 John Kass)

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