Chicago, Behold Mayor Phallus Maximus

By John Kass

With the Chicago mayoral election just a year away, as the city reels from one crisis to the next, foul-mouthed Mayor Lori Lightfoot has transformed herself into something astonishing.


Mayor Phallus Maximus.

In the most vulgar terms, according to a lawsuit filed the other day, she reportedly boasted about the size of her “manhood” while insulting Chicago’s Italian American community on the size of Italian “manhood.”

Her “manhood” is bigger she reportedly insisted. In fact, she insisted that “My (manhood” is bigger than yours and the Italians. I have the biggest (manhood) in Chicago!”

Bravo, Mayor Phallus Maximus. But the Italians really don’t really want to take out the ruler. All they want is the release of Christopher Columbus from her wacky ideological prison for statuary.

Yes, there is other important news in the world. The people of Ukraine suffer from Russian military attacks. American gas prices at the pump hit historic highs, inflation eats at our savings. Violent crime escalates in cities across the country, including Chicago, amid growing calls for the resignation of the mayor’s endorsed Cook County State’s Attorney Kim Foxx.

So, the mayor’s priapic boasts boast about the size of her “manhood” is rather pathetic, as if she’s some boorish Tugboat Annie ranting alone in the tugboat galley while watching TV, shouting about a teeny cocktail weenie on a tiny toothpick in one of those cringeworthy “male enhancement” commercials.

But she’s not a cartoon. She’s mayor of Chicago.

“There are kids getting shot in the streets (of Chicago) and families here with people in Ukraine. There is so much going on. And I’m almost embarrassed to be discussing statues right now,” said Ron Onesti, president of the Joint Civic Committee of Italian Americans, on the current edition of The Chicago Way podcast.

It was on the Chicago Way podcast that I co-host with WGN radio’s Jeff Carlin that the honorific of Mayor Phallus Maximus was first bestowed.

And she deserves it with that potty mouth of hers, allegedly, according to a lawsuit, in a Zoom call with witnesses. Why is she angry? She’s imprisoned Columbus statues because she is afraid of her fellow leftists who hate Columbus, and to cover her own weakness, anger and fear she mocked the Italians and lawyers with witnesses present.

“She’s being asked about it. I’m asked about it,” Onesti said.  “She has not denied it by the way. She has said it’s not merited, but she has not denied it and that’s just frickin’ brutal.”

She does not shout “I did not say that.” She is a lawyer and they use weasel words. “Without merit” is a lawyer’s answer, not a straight answer.

Most politicians are genetically incapable of giving straight answers. As Russia’s Vladimir Putin continues his murderous invasion into Ukraine, American President Joe Biden escalates tension and gaslights Americans about the reason the price of gas in the U.S. is the highest in history. And now Biden sends baby-talking Vice President Kamala Harris to Poland and Romania at the edge of a hot war.

What could go wrong?

But Mayor Phallus Maximus is also a story. Chicago is in crisis under her erratic rule. She projects a persona of rage and fear that has little if anything to do with sober, stable leadership.

Her cops know it. All the aldermen know it. City workers know it and all of political Chicago knows it too. And so do those big-money types who install The White Shadow on the mayoral throne. But Arne Duncan pulled out of the mayoral race. He can now act as a greeter at political galas, at the soon-to-be Chicago political Xanadu, the Obama Centre of Love and Fealty.

The much-quoted defamation lawsuit was filed by former Chicago Park District first deputy counsel George Smyrniotis, after Mayor Phallus Maximus unleashed her acid-tongue assault on him and others in that Zoom call with city and park district officials watching.

I haven’t yet heard the others say it didn’t happen. I can’t wait for their depositions unless a judge tosses the suit the Chicago Way.

The Zoom call took place around the time the mayor was in another moral/political panic over allegations of sexual assaults against female Chicago Park District lifeguards. She’d asked lawyers to settle another lawsuit from the Joint Civic Committee of Italian Americans after she’d enraged them by removing a 100-year-old Columbus statue from its home in Arrigo Park before dawn in case leftists became angry.

Italian Americans who were protecting the statue had gone to bed. Then Lightfoot had it snatched and imprisoned in her Bastille for Politically Problematic Statuary. Onesti properly called the mayoral pre-dawn move a “sneaky” operation.

Hoping to settle the suit, park lawyers had the statue given back to the JCCIA for a Columbus Day parade last October. The lawyers thought the issue was settled.

And then Mayor Phallus Maximus hit the fan.

You di**s, what the f*** were you thinking?” she said in the Zoom meeting according to the defamation suit. “You make some kind of secret agreement with Italians, what are you doing, you are out there measuring your d**** with the Italians seeing who’s got the biggest d***, you are out there stroking your d**** over the Columbus statue, I am trying to keep Chicago Police officers from being shot and you are trying to get them shot. My d*** is bigger than yours and the Italians, I have the biggest d*** in Chicago.”

“…Where did you go to law school? Did you even go to law school? Do you even have a law license?… Get that f*****g statue back before noon tomorrow or I am going to have you fired.”

Italians are demanding an apology. And Onesti was disgusted by Mayor Phallus Maximus.

“We’ve been fighting media stereotypes,” he said. “We’re not a community that does a whole lot of marching and complaining and protesting,” Onesti said. “That’s another topic for another time. But that was the final straw…Now she’s made it a personal thing. By doing so she not only infuriated leaders of our community, but others. I’m getting calls from African Americans, Native Americans, Latin Americans, Jewish Americans.

“She crossed the line and unified all of us. She’s made it personal.”

Would Onesti ever say such things in front of his family or his nonna?

No he said. When he heard of what the mayor had said, he thought first of his grandparents.

“I was offended on behalf of my grandparents,” Onesti said. “That might sound a little cheesy, but it’s not. There has never been a time where I felt so insulted on behalf of them.”

It’s one thing to belong to an ethnic group of say, the third or fourth generation. But it’s another thing to live the immigrant experience, to constantly be told that everything you do in America reflects on your people and your family and their honor, here and across the ocean.

I’ve heard it countless times from my own parents:

Ti tha poune sto horio? What will they say in the village?

Does the mayor know this? Does she care? Obviously not.

News about Mayor Phallus Maximus’ outburst broke around the time that two Chicago police officers were shot on the West Side on their lunch break. The mayoral rant over genitalia–and her claim that she cares about police–was mocked by every cop I know. They don’t believe a thing she says.

“Revert to that video of the Columbus statue situation in Grant Park,” Onesti said, recalling police overwhelmed by BLM rioters on the day they were hit with frozen bottles of water defending the Columbus statue. “She threw them in there, there were not enough officers, they weren’t equipped, they had no shields, they were in their shirtsleeves. She threw them to the lions to be destroyed.”

Police have turned their backs on her. They loathe her.

She was incapable of leadership and command during the BLM riots that destroyed downtown. She let that happen. And she’s demonized police before and since, working them to exhaustion by not hiring enough officers, insulting them, using them as props.

She pushes her ridiculous “positive community interactions” program of hers which is just a re-election political stunt. And she’s stopped cops from chasing after criminals on foot.

She’s endorsed Cook County State’s Attorney Kim Foxx. Fearful of the police-hating jacobin left, she has hounded cops on a variety of fronts, from trying to crucify an exhausted officer who responded to an abusive activist with a middle-finger during the BLM riots. She launched her idiotic “investigation” of other exhausted cops because some dared eat of U.S. Rep Bobby Rush’s office popcorn.

“She calls us ‘f******* cowards in meetings,” a Chicago Police Department commander said. “And you’re wondering if she’d ever talk about comparing d*** sizes? Get real. She says anything, anytime, to anyone, because she thinks she can. That’s who she is.”

You’ve heard people say she swears like a sailor? Well, I was a sailor, an able bodied seaman on a merchant vessel, and I never heard such talk.

But there is one benefit to christening her Mayor Phallus Maximus.

Because Onesti thinks my Latin is superb.

“Your Latin is amazing,” he said. “I just call her Mayor Lie Foot.”

 And he thinks I should begin my own campaign for mayor. My devious friend Tom Bevan, founder of Real Clear Politics, once tried that trick, urging me to run for mayor as some kind of Spartacus, but I wisely declined.

“You have the street sense, you have the heart,” Onesti said, envisioning a political or theatrical poster. “Look at the promotional campaign. Spartacus. You’re up there with the shield and sword, and down there you have Mayor Phallus Maximus. This could be a whole Roman thing. I love it.”

If Chicago isn’t ready for an Italian mayor, Chicago isn’t ready for a Greek mayor. I don’t think the big-money supporters of the White Shadow like Greeks. But I don’t really care. Let them enjoy what’s left of their city after Mayor Phallus Maximus is done with it.

As  St. Patrick’s Day approaches, we rely on the grace of the South Side Irish. Let’s hope they intervene and support their Italian friends. Perhaps they could give the mayor a nice, thick bar of Irish Spring soap to hold meekly in her mouth. As penance she could keep repeating “It’s magically delicious! It’s magically delicious!” past her teeth holding the soap, as if it were a mouthful of tasty Lucky Charms.

And she could keep that soap right there, until Ron Onesti and the Emerald Society tell her she can spit it out.

Once I liked her, supported and defended her. But that’s old news. She didn’t want to learn, she doesn’t know how to manage. And Chicago can’t thrive under a mayor who can’t manage.

Mayor Phallus Maximus, the days of honoring yourself will soon be at an end.

But before you go, would you mind letting Christopher Columbus out of jail?


(Copyright 2022 John Kass)

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