By John Kass
Well, I got skunked on steelhead on that trip to that river up north. The other guys, fine anglers all, landed a nice fish. I had a few on but lost them all.
And still, it was a perfect trip, great company, great stories, good drinks and food, and the river dark and rising, a bald eagle flying, the snow and cold rain pelting.
It was beautiful.
I’m no biologist. And fish don’t have hands, so steelhead can’t give the Moutza. They have other ways of humiliating you. Finally, when I returned home with my damaged pride, there was a package waiting for me that made me smile.
Our lovely niece Sophia from Canada had sent me some Moutza cookie cutters in the shape of an open hand. How thoughtful. Thanks Sophia!
If only I had a herd of insolent donkeys out in the backyard and a 100-pound sack of oatmeal, I’d make no-bake Moutza cookies for the hordes of morons stretching to the horizon. The Golden Moutza of March is at hand
Worthy nominees include the Chicago mayor who henceforth shall be known as Mayor Phallus Maximus. And Supreme Court nominee, Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson who is so beholden to the hysterical political left, that she didn’t dare define what the word “woman” means.
“I can’t,” she testified under oath. “…I’m not a biologist.”
I’m no ichthyologist, but I happen to know a fish when I see one. Nah!
And Illinois Republicans who insist they’re serious about dethroning Democrat Gov. Commodius Maximus, but can’t find a candidate to oppose Democrat Cook County Board President Toni “Taxwinkle” Preckwinkle?
Slick Republican hucksters like billionaire Ken Griffin’s money. But they can’t find or fund a candidate to campaign against Taxwinkle, who is the power behind Soros-backed Cook County State’s Attorney Kim “Catch-and-Release” Foxx? When violent crime is an issue among suburban and Chicago residents?
And Democrats who say they love families, just as long as those families don’t mind their kindergarteners subject to deranged elementary school teachers in Florida, teachers as political activists obsessed with indoctrinating five-year-old children about gender identification.
And that “Florida Man” who runs Disney, the company supporting the indoctrination of little children, obviously doesn’t want American families spending a dime on Disney products, Disney movies, Disney World and Disney Land.
A few of you wanted Russia dictator Vladimir Putin to win the Golden Moutza because of his murderous invasion of Ukraine. But in this column, the Moutza is rather light, and with so much innocent Ukrainian blood on his hands, Putin deserves something heavier–like a war crimes trial.
What of the corrupt legacy corporate media that just figured out Hunter Biden’s laptop was real? I think we should send a few cases of home-made donkey scat Moutza cookies to the White House correspondents dinner. Democracy dies in hyper-partisan darkness, but who doesn’t like cookies?
Considering all the worthies working so hard on behalf of their Idiocracy to win the Golden Moutza of March, I believe this task will require several tons of donkey poo and truckloads of oatmeal, for more Moutza cookies.
“Too many choices as usual,” said an overwhelmed Susan Beal, “CNN, Disney CEO, Will Smith. Ugh!”
“Pretty soon you’re going to have to have a weekly or perhaps a daily Moutza award the way things are going,” said Joe Obermaier.
“Perhaps even an hourly Moutza,” said Tom Dattalo.
No, my friends. No. The Golden Moutza of the Month comes but once a month. There can be only one winner.
“I nominate the New York Times for bravely getting a jump on the Hunter Biden laptop story,” says Beverly McGee Laurell. “How to lead from behind NYT!! Nah.”
It only took them almost two years to catch up to the New York Post.
Blow on it, NYT.
Many nominated revisionist New York Times “historian” and Pulitzer Prize winner Nikole Hannah-Jones—of the infamous ‘1619 project’—for saying tipping is about slavery. She tweeted:
“Tipping is a legacy of slavery and if it’s not optional then it shouldn’t be a tip but simply included in the bill. Have you ever stopped to think why we tip, like why tipping is a practice in the U.S. and almost nowhere else?”
In the fashion of revisionists everywhere, she deleted her tweet.
“1619 Project ‘historian’ Nikole Hannah-Jones is my nominee for Moutza of the Month for her inane take on tipping being a legacy of slavery,” said Steve Sarich. “If everything is racist…nothing is racist. ‘No Tippin’ Pippen of the Bulls has now been supplanted by a ‘scholar’ who needs a food taster. NHJ, here’s a tip for you, learn how to cook. NAH!”
I was a waiter and liked getting cash tips. My wife was a server too. My grandfather shined shoes and took tips, ran a sports book. My father was a waiter. My cousins grew up in the restaurant business. They didn’t consider themselves slaves or servants. They had a job to make money. Yet it’s clear that Nikole Hannah-Jones, high priestess of the leftist Idiocracy, doesn’t mind viewing history and culture through the warped lens of a race hustler.
“Moutza to NBC for airbrushing the manly features of Lia “The Lion” Thomas, to make the serial cheater [and NCAA ‘women’s swim champion) look more like a female than a burly lumberjack,” says the always sharp Tom Winike. “Let’s hope they don’t use this trickery to upgrade Mayor Lori Lightfoot with photographic male enhancement. Nah!”
“And a true Scotsman goes commando, so will she?” wondered reader Joseph Hain.
If anyone “enhances” the “masculinity” of Mayor Phallus Maximus, and she goes commando under her kilt, I will run away screaming. Then, I‘ll faint.
Corporate news outlets, and other Americans—including university administrators and the now hopelessly woke corporate world–were afraid of swimmer Lia Thomas and the left’s cancel culture. So they sat silent and meek, as a biologically born male who said he was a woman and got into the pool and destroyed women swimmers and women’s sport. And Ketanji Brown Jackson doesn’t know what a woman is? OK.
John Mackowiak offered his Moutza nomination to Democratic Senators clutching their pearls over Republican questions to Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson at the Senate confirmation hearings.
“The Uber hypocrites calling for civility after extremely uncivilized attacks on recent Supreme Court justices,” Mr. Mackowiak says. “Same [skata] heads defend violent criminals and rioters. FEESAH ETHO!!!!”
Among the most precious pearl clutcher was U.S. Sen. Dick Durbin of Illinois, who along with most other Democrats in the Senate, stood nearly silent as Democratic voters stormed the capitol over Republican Supreme Court nominees.
Wasn’t that an insurrection?
Speaking of insurrection, what do you call a Democrat Bernie Sanders supporter trying to assassinate Republican members of Congress with a rifle?
He shot five people at a Republican Congressional baseball practice, remember? James Hodkinson of Illinois almost killed House Minority Whip Steve Scalise.
There are so many worthies this month.
I wanted to bestow the Golden Moutza on the Illinois Republicans for being so weak, afraid to challenge Toni Taxwinkle on the issue of skyrocketing crime and releasing violent offenders from the county jail, where she is most vulnerable.
The Cook County suburbs are where Republican votes are.
If Ken Griffin wants to throw his money away on the advice of Republican combine political hacks and consultants, that’s his business. He won’t be the first billionaire to be taken advantage of in Illinois.
The Republican Combine is the reason why Illinois is in such bad shape, since so many Republican pols played at opposing Democrat Boss Madigan. Decade upon decade, theey gaslighted GOP voters and begged for scraps from Mike Madigan’s table.
Many wanted Ketanji Brown Jackson to win the gold, because she dares not enrage the Democratic Party base by defining “woman.” You don’t care? Oh ok, just wait until your granddaughters ask you what happened to women’s sports?
And the corporate media honoring themselves with various formal dinners in Washington after covering President Joe Biden’s behind on the problematic Hunter issue? At their galas, elite journalists wear tuxedos and white tie, and laugh in italics at their own jokes.
But then comes Chicago Mayor Phallus Maximus, who, according to a lawsuit, bragged about the great size of her male member. I’m no biologist either. I’m so confused.
All this drama allegedly came up in a zoom call among several city and park district officials in a dispute with Italian Americans over the mayor locking a Christopher Columbus statue in her woke prison of politically problematic statuary.
She allegedly said that her member was larger than the Italians. Now she’s being deposed by attorneys representing the Joint Civic Committee of Italian Americans. And on Monday in Cook County court, her lawyers are scheduled for a hearing where they’ll try to seal her file away from the eyes of the public.
The mayor said she’d be the most transparent mayor Chicago has ever had. And the people have a right to read what’s in that deposition and file.
Mayor Phallus Maximus, I once supported and defended you, until you frittered away control of the city during the riots, allowed downtown to be savaged, allowed businesses to be destroyed. And then you endorsed State’s Attorney Kim Foxx for re-election.
“It has to be Mayor Lightfoot, hands down for two things” said my friend, the writer and retired Chicago cop Peter V. Bella. “Her braggadocio over her having the biggest, ahem, member in Chicago and her St. Paddy’s Day outfit. As my Irish expert friends claim, she wore that kilt improperly. Nah!”
What she is alleged to have done is vulgar. And so, as a friend of retired Italian cop Peter V. Bella, and because the Italians probably have Greek DNA, especially the Sicilians and I married a lovely Sicilian years ago, I have no choice.
I’m compelled to bestow this special award upon Mayor Phallus Maximus. You worked hard to earn this. So, lift up your head, Mayor Phallus and behold your prize.
The Golden Moutza of March.
It’s all yours mayor. It’s the biggest, most golden Moutza in Chicago.
(Copyright 2022 John Kass)
If you want to get access to all of my columns, subscribe here.
If you have having difficulty with your subscription, please refer to our FAQ for assistance.