By John Kass
Each time we gather to award The Golden Moutza of the Month, some of you panic. And some, unfortunately, cracked under the pressure of nominating just one idiot for the Golden Moutza of July.
Consider Exhibit A, Mr. Bruce Vee.
Mr. Vee is an eminently reasonable fellow, a gentleman and much-respected expert on peach orchards.
But he couldn’t deal with the “pressure to provide a single knucklehead to the sacrificial Moutza altar.” Now he wants to rewrite the sacred Moutzatution and reserve an entire month for the awarding of the Moutza—31 days hath Mr. Vee’s Mouza– because he can’t pick just one.
“In the effort to be all-inclusive and understanding the daunting task of choosing a nominee from the vast pool of candidates, may I offer a suggestion? …that we designate a given month [as] ‘the Moutza Month” or ‘Month of Moutza [MOM]?’ This would give us all month to cover a lot of ground. We can still celebrate the Golden Moutza, to keep current.”
Good Mr. Vee, I certainly hope you’re not like those crazed American socialist Democrats bent on tearing down the pillars of civilization. “Hope is the pillar that holds up the world,” said Pliny the Elder.
And the Moutza is the pillar that holds up Free Speech, without which a democratic republic will not long survive. Mr. Vee, remember the words of Don Barzini! “After all, we are not communists.”
“I think we should also have one for the past year,” says Sharon Blair. “Candidates being the past 12 (monthly) winners.”
You see what you’ve done Mr. Vee? Civilization teeters on a knife’s edge. Beware!
Most of you know how this works. You find me on Facebook near the end of the month, aim your open palm, fingers spread in the manner of my Hellenic ancestors, and nominate your worthy idiots. Provide a news link, seal your nomination with a hearty “NAH!” (Here!), Feesa Etho! (Blow on it) or “Parta!” (Take them–best used with a double Moutza) and there you go.
Get your palms ready. Let’s begin.
“I nominate all those both in the media and social media commentators, who have called out Simone Biles for her decision not to compete in the Olympics,” writes reader Marcella Huff.
“The arrogance, short-sightedness and lack of empathy on the part of these people boggles the mind,” Huff continued. “World-class athletes are a rare breed. What it takes to sustain that level of readiness cannot be understood by those of us outside that world. So, I show my palm to them in disgust.”
Excellent, Ms. Huff. But that deserves a column of its own. I will oblige. Thank you.
Many of you nominated Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot for her Lollapalooza flip flop.
Lightfoot demands exhausted Chicago cops work 12-hour shifts with no days off in an increasingly violent city, then grabs a photo op with the Kennedys at Hyannis Port, Mass., officiating a wedding?
Is she captain of The Love Boat or mayor of a city where innocents are being gunned down by street gangs?
During the pandemic, she shut down the city and killed small independent businesses. She told Chicago to stay in their homes, but then got her hair done in a rules-for-thee-but-not-for-me moment. Then she recently reopened Chicago with self-congratulatory statements and a vido.
But a week or so ago, just as the Biden government and the CDC began flip flopping on mask-no-mask plans, amid liberal media warnings that the “Delta Variant” would kill us all, Lightfoot let Lollapalooza happen.
It’s just another example of confused authoritarian Democrat-run government messaging which releases a new dangerous virus: the people now have no confidence about anything the government says about anything.
And so, last weekend, Lightfoot allowed some 100,000 young people to jam Grant Park for Lollapalooza. Perhaps the young music fans hope to get Tinnitus and someday star as crabby geezers in hearing-loss commercials on cable news. Who can say?
What we can say is Lightfoot let them into the park, unmasked (as anyone with a brain could have told you) and with all that flesh pressing flesh in the park, on the CTA, hot and perspiring like stoned humanoid sardines, subject to droplets and the horrors of Random Sweat Transfer.
(At least they were spared from DaBaby. Whew).
As I said on “The Chicago Way podcast” before the music fest opened, Lightfoot wanted all that Lolla revenue. And now having taken the money, she just issued her statement that even toddlers be masked in Chicago. And Gov. Commodius Maximus–he of the toilets–is now planning to impose new orders on all schools, government schools and private, parochial schools, that masks be worn in class?
This is what happens when billionaire Democrats take over. The media loves them and won’t push back because they’re compliant useful tools and support their party. But you aren’t useful idiots. You’re Americans.
“I think it must be Lori Lightfoot,” said Alistair MacUaid. “On one hand, ‘Vaccinated people should wear masks.’ On the other hand, ‘Hey, pack yourselves into Grant Park and spend money.’ Nah! Take it!
“Nah! Lightfoot Nah!” said Scott Browdy. “Nah! Hobnobbing with the Kennedys while your streets are red with blood? Nah!”
“The decision to allow Lollapalooza: πάρτα!” said Bill Melonides.
You should know that “πάρτα” is often associated with the Moutza and is pronounced “parta!” meaning “take them!”
I’m not alone. Laura Washington of the Chicago Sun Times, a progressive and savvy observer of Chicago politics had a similar take. But other media Karens wring their hands in fear about “Delta Variant” which supports their own authoritarian bent, while unable to call out Mayor Triple Threat.
“I’d like to nominate all the trolls who kept screaming for your head on a platter while you were with [‘the paper’], and after you left, they tagged along to continue their ritualistic howling about every column you write,” says David Kleckner. “If nothing else, they do make for good entertainment. NAH!”
Their hatred of me sustains them. And so, I live inside their pointy little heads rent free. But soon, as I cannot live on their love and air sandwiches forever, I’ll have to begin charging for the column. So, bark, little Jacobin doggies. Bark.
“Nah!” writes Tom Winike. “Moutza to the fawning press that timidly tags along while our white House fabricates blue-collar anecdotes. No one bothered to ask Jen Psaki about President Biden’s claims that he used to drive an 18-wheeler? What year was his CDL license issued? When did it expire? Liberal reporters are star-struck, like deer in the headlights. Feesah Etho!”
Tom, Tom, Tom. Oh, Tom.
What do you expect? President Biden is not a Republican.
Bill K. Walsh, who loved Orwell’s “Animal Farm,” is offended that, as Democrats prepare to impose new national pandemic mandates, former President Barack Obama reminds us who’s boss, and plans to throw a big party at his Martha’s Vineyard estate.
It’s his 60th birthday party, and many Hollywood glitterati will attend, and many of the usual political suckerfish.
One, even the mere suggestion of “possible spreading” would send the Democratic Media Complex into spasm. But Obama, who promised to stop the rise of the seas and proved it by purchasing his mansion at sea level, is a different cat.
“Some pigs better than others in Animal Farm…. NAH!” Walsh writes, linking to an Obama ‘rules for Thee but Not for Me news story.
Sorry Bill, your Obama moutza is denied, with prejudice. Presidents are exempt, remember?
But let’s plan on attending his 65th birthday party in Chicago, at the Obama Temple of Love and Fealty, to be built on precious lakefront park land.
I’ll drive, Bill.
Here’s hoping Michelle serves broccoli tempura, in the shapes of those hundreds and hundreds of stately Jackson Park trees they’ll have chopped down to make room for the Obama temple. And Chicago’s mayors, former and current, like Emanuel, Daley and Lightfoot can wear tuxedos like waiters and carry the chopped trees to us on silver trays.
Many Cubs fans nominated the Cubs for trading off core players who won them the World Series just a few years ago, only to have those stars immediately hit home runs for their new ballclubs.
A rabid Cub fan named V. Hante had a perfect Moutza, but he forgot the magic words, so his nomination was void. But many others who are dedicated to proper form did remember the proper form.
“Cubs management for totally dismantling the team,” writes Susan Kunz Hood. “Do they care what fans think? Nah!”
Cubs fan Jon Wallace wrote a brilliant 5 -part nomination to the entire Cubs organization from owners to players.
“1. Owners and Theo giving Joe Madden his walking papers two years after leading the Cubs to a World Series win. 2 The same group living in the past by handing the reins to an iconic player, but inexperienced manager. 3. Theo walking away when things got tough. 4. Players not giving 100 percent effort until they are in a free agent year. 5. The return of the Cubs theme, ‘Wait ‘til next year. Nah! Feesah Etho!!!”
There were many more Cubs nominations. Cubs fans could be waiting a hundred years. Who knows? Time for the Ricketts family to start selling my delicious goat broth soup with rice at Wrigley for those chilly, lonely autumn nights as the White Sox prepare for the playoffs.
But I cannot tease Cubs fans. As a 10-year season ticket holder of the hapless, pathetic yet Chicago Fire FC, I give myself a Moutza right in the face.
My beloved men in red–who no longer even wear red–are a team that not only sucks, but no one in the country cares we suck, even the media. And I pay, gladly. This makes me president of Chumbolone Nation. At least I have the White Sox.
But there can be only one winner of the Golden Moutza of July
Lori Lightfoot pushed for Lollapalooza. She basked in the media glow of reopening the lakefront. She got the revenue from the music festival, with tens of thousands without masks on CTA, and with the Biden government fanning the fear porn of “Delta Variant.”
And NOW, after she gets the Lolla revenue, she tells Chicago to mask up again, even toddlers?
As Bill Melonides said, “parta,” or “take them.”
Take them all, mayor, the hands, the fingers, everything. The Golden Moutza of July belongs to you. You’ve earned it.
(Copyright 2021 John Kass)