By John Kass
March 2, 2022
The Golden Moutza of the Month column—this one for February– has for years been the place where we gather to have some fun, express our frustrations with the Idiocracy and show our contempt for the horde of morons and political lords who vex us.
But Russian president Vladimir Putin’s murderous war that is destroying Ukraine is no joke. War is not a funny. Death is not a punchline. And conflict between nuclear powers is never something to be brushed off or ignored, except by fools.
“I was going to nominate the International Olympic committee for letting the Russians compete in the Winter Olympics, or the American skier who competed for China, but now, the only choice is Putin,” writes Angela Petropoulos Pappanastos, an expert in the Moutza arts. “Na hathees (Get lost) Putin! Na pas sto diavolo (go to the devil). He should get the Moutza of the year.”
“Putin! You rat bastard!” says Cris Dosev. “NAH!”
I agree. But Putin is already isolated, the world has changed overnight, with many nations now arming themselves, which will create new problems because their interests will collide. Putin will get what’s coming to him, in this life or the next. And I think reader Bryan Surek has it just right.
“I don’t think a Moutza of the Month (for Putin) is strong enough,” Surek writes.
Agreed friend Bryan. A Moutza isn’t strong enough for what Putin has done.
But on the edge of the chaos and pain, in the media/propaganda frenzy, there have been some amazing stupidities. And no, I’m not just talking about idiotic U.S. Rep. Adam “Inquisitor” Kinzinger, R., Ill, who supported a “No Fly Zone” over Ukraine thinking that direct military confrontation with Russia wouldn’t really cause the nuclear pot to boil. Much.
Kinzinger? Don’t you have any fellow Republican “heretics” to burn at the stake?
Happily, though, many of you haven’t lost your wits, like Adam Kinzinger. You haven’t ignored the bad news out of Ukraine, but you’ve tried to keep your sense of humor. Like the professor.
“Vlad the (would-be) Impaler,” writes our friend Charles Lipson, nominating Putin for the Golden Moutza.
You know how this works. Near the end of the month, readers find me on Facebook and nominate their candidates for the Golden Moutza of the Month. The palm of the hand, the thrust of the palm, and spiced with a Nah! (here), a Parta! (take them) or a Feesah Etho (Blow right here).
Agatha Mantanes, born to the Moutza arts, nominates New York’s Metropolitan Opera for canceling Russian artists.
“The Met, for canceling Russian artists because they are Russian. Nah parte tripla! (Take three!),” writes Mantanes. “So many morons, so few Moutzas.”
Many liked my idea of nominating the cruel and idiotic flesh-eating harpy Joy Behar of “The View,” who feared Putin’s invasion of Ukraine had probably screwed up her Italian vacation plans.
Behar said she was “scared” about the war ruining her Italian vacation.
“You know, you plan a trip. You want to go there,” whined Behar.
“I want to go to Italy for four years and I haven’t been able to make it because of the pandemic. And now this. It’s like, ‘What’s gonna happen there?” Behar said as the Russian army closed in on the Ukrainian capital of Kyiv.
What’s gonna happen? This is gonna happen Joy. Gird yourself.
Now Feesah Etho.
“Might as well write the column now and be done with it,” writes Jay Franks. “I suggest a separate category for Ms. Behar. Platinum Moutza? Blow on this. Nah!
“But wait. How about ‘Best Duet Moutza?’ We can add her co-host, the ironically stage-named Ms. Goldberg to the mix. Their hit ‘Hitler wasn’t a racist and Putin ruined my vacation” will definitely go platinum on the Moutza charts. Nah! Feesah Etho.”
Reader J.P. Lowe was perplexed, wanting to nominate Putin Mommy virtue signaler and actress Anna Lynne McCord, reportedly known for playing vixen-type roles, for her viral Twitter poem to Putin, “If I were your mommy.”
If she were his mommy, she says in her poem, he would have been loved, not angry.
I had the misfortune of watching it, and afterward I just had to stab both of my eyes out with a Kentucky Fried Chicken spork. Ouch.
“I was going to nominate that clueless actress who recited her poem to Putin saying she wished she was Putin’s mommy, but no. Behar’s selfishness is worse,” J.P. Lowe writes. “Joy? NAH!!”
David Kleckner aimed his Moutza at Illinois Gov. J.B. Pritzker, who celebrated our freedom from his own draconian mask mandates, by standing at a fast food counter with reporters in tow.
Including among them was NBC 5 Chicago’s savvy political reporter Mary Ann Ahern, who snapped the photo below and posted it on Twitter.
“JB the Hutt is too easy, but when he goes 0-3 in the courts upholding his mask mandates and he celebrates with a Navy Pier photo op at a fast-food place you can’t let it go,” Kleckner writes. “NAH! With a side of fries!”
Many nominated Mayor Lori Lightfoot for burying the “Yolanda-Gate” scandal of the Chicago Police Department’s Internal Affairs chief Yolanda Talley, whose Lexus was involved in a heroin arrest. Lightfoot blames the media.
Talley was not in the car, nor charged with any wrongdoing. Her niece was driving. The niece wasn’t arrested either. The boyfriend, who has a narcotics record, was arrested. And the cops were put on administrative ice, technically on “desk duty.” But Talley? She remains administratively unscathed.
And the whole thing has been buried in a City Hall “investigation” and spawned a festival of “No Comment.”
“Moutza to the mayor for sweeping her ‘Yolanda-gate scandal under City Hall carpets,” writes Tom Winike. “Woke bureaucrats and media are using Rahm Emanuel tactics to bury the story. Nah!”
Retired Chicago Police commander Bob Angone, who was the real police, nominated Lori’s Police Superintendent, David Brown for “Yolanda-Gate.”
“The Top Cop, for his extraordinary statement involving one of his high-ranking command staff Yolanda Talley,” writes Angone. “Her niece is not arrested. The chief’s car does not get impounded. Now we learn that the two cops who made the arrest were removed from their street duties. Top Cop Brown feebly states to an uninterested press that he really doesn’t know what happened. Imagine that! Brown, THIS MOUTZA IS FOR YOU. NAH!!!”
There were so many worthies. Like that Ohio mayor who resigned after saying that ice fishing leads to prostitution. I thought ice fishing leads to whiskey and gambling. On the other hand, fly fishing, as everyone knows, leads to refinement and virtue.
And so many others, including the president’s White House staff. Like other presidents, Mr. Biden is exempt from the Golden Moutza competition, but lowly staffers aren’t. Including here the fools who keep filling the old man’s head with pudding and idiotic thoughts.
And my favorite, from some Biden “staffer” that we shouldn’t become energy independent because, well, the fanatical leftists that run the Democratic Party might become angry. So these “staffers” apparently compelled the doddering old man to strangle the American oil industry, (as they compelled him to kill the Keystone pipeline). And those “staffers” make it so that we keep on importing Russian oil which funds the Putin deadly war machine. And why? To satisfy Democratic Party politics.
White House “staffers” the hand waits.
The people of Ukraine pay with their blood to nourish the American left’s destructive fever-dream of a Green New Deal. The politics of oil continue dictating the news.
His State of the Union speech was a complete rambling disaster. I’ll write more on it later in the week. One thing though. He didn’t wear a mask. Republicans didn’t wear a mask. But the Democrat Covidians who governed us by demanding we must wear masks for years? They didn’t wear masks either, as if they were on vacation in Florida.
Wasn’t it just days ago the Democrats were selling pandemic fear to maintain political control? And masking children in government schools to satisfy the militant teachers’ unions? But now, with the American people sick of Democrat lockdown policies, at his big speech, the masks came off.
Is that “following the science” or is it politics?
And Lori Lightfoot will be nominated again, and probably that John Kass again, because has a big head, he even aggravates people who love him (so says my family) and he does stupid things. But there’s plenty of time for that.
Today we award the Golden Moutza of February. And I think we must honor Joy Behar, the flesh-eating leftist Harpy of “The View,” for moaning that her Italian vacation is more important than the pain caused by the Russian invasion of Ukraine. Joy, as I type this, Putin has begun enveloping the Ukrainian capitol.
“Oh yeah,” writes the great Marilou Wilschke. “She’s a winner.”
Look fondly upon the Golden Moutza at your villa in Tuscany, or wherever you’re going. Your selfishness has earned you this prize.
Enjoy the Golden Moutza of February, Joy. You deserve it.
Would you like another? Here, take two why don’t you?
Nah! and Nah again.
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