By John Kass

December 8, 2022

Whew, that’s a mouthful. The only thing I missed in that headline was writing it in pig-Latin.

I’d like some serendipity here: Lori in her Tiny House, running for mayor while most folks just want her gone, living with the other homeless hobbits she has a mind to protect. But who’d want to live on the edge of her homeless tiny house development?

You?

I wouldn’t pay Chicago property taxes to live there.

Jeff and I talk about whether she’ll survive.

And that Hunter Biden story never lets go, like a dog who was never taught the simple command of ‘Leave It.”

But the one that really gets me is “Cocaine Bear.”

As we recorded this episode of the Chicago Way podcast, Jeff Carlin was thinking about inserting the movie trailer. He and Christine love to go camping, where bears hang out about at the camp dumpsites.

Jeff and Christine have lately gotten themselves addicted to “Alone,” the great TV show about survival in the frozen North. They drop you in the wilderness, and you either find food and keep the bears from eating you, or you don’t. A man got hungry and killed a 500-pound musk-ox with a pocket knife and a rock. A certified badass.

Some might think such a realistic survival show is discriminatory and celebrates “ableists.” But If you come at me with that weak sauce, I’d say you’ve never had to try and survive out there. And on top of it, you’re full of pig poop.

Years ago, my brothers Pete and Nick and I and my friend Mark the Photographer had a bad bear problem at a fly-in camp out of Lac Seul, Ontario.

It wasn’t just a nuisance. It was a bad, bad bear. It was a cunning, 600-pound male black bear in his prime, who was hanging around our camp because the previous group of fishermen from Elmwood Park, were slobs and pigs. We didn’t have pump guns with rifled slugs because we’re stupid.

We just waited to die.

The fools from Elmwood Park never cleaned their fish station. And the bear had been baited up for a week or so. It was huge, about the size of the one who killed the husband in the movie “Backcountry.”

In real life, the husband didn’t die in that movie. The wife did.

But having the woman devoured by a land Jaws might have ruined the movie for the females in the audience. And in real life in Lac Seul, with the bear growling out in the night and the four of us just waiting to die, I regretted the stupidity of not having a shotgun literally loaded for bear.

It’s a wonder why I just didn’t feed Mark to the bear and keep fishing for walleye. I regret that too. At least we could have had some sleep.

That big bear ripped through our cabin when we were out, and drank a 64 oz. jar of Wesson Oil, leaving only three drops on the cabin floor. Then it tore the back door off the hinges and two steps outside the back door, it left a scat about as big as a coffee table.

I don’t know who dies in “Cocaine Bear,” but I bet just about everybody. I’ve seen the trailer. It’s a psycho beast. And it’s “based on true events.” Whatever the hell that means, I’m not so sure. But I’ll see it.

Next up on The Chicago Way is my friend Tom Bevan, co-founder and president of Real Clear Politics. He’s got some stories to tell.

Thanks for listening to The Chicago Way podcast. And thanks for subscribing to johnkassnews.com, your favorite website for good old Midwestern common sense.

John

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(Copyright 2022 John Kass)