The Amazoning of James Bond
By Cory Franklin,
March 14, 2025
Item: Amazon/MGM Studios announced that they have formed a new joint venture to secure the James Bond intellectual property rights. Amazon/MGM Studios will now gain creative control of the James Bond franchise.
Setting: The office of M, Chief of M16, the British Secret Intelligence Service. M is James Bond’s boss and the case officer responsible for agent operations. He has summoned Bond to give him his next assignment and awaits his entrance. The secretary, Miss Moneypenny, is not in the anteroom, so Bond lets himself in unannounced.
“Good to see you, James. Sit down.”
“Yes, sir. Where ‘s Moneypenny?”
“Had to let her go this morning, James. Now that Amazon has bought the company, they are demanding cutbacks everywhere. Moneypenny became redundant. An Amazon AI assistant is replacing her.”
“Too bad, I will miss her. What is the next job, M?”
“Porch pirates.”
“Porch Pirates? Is that code for some kind of nefarious operation to put a stranglehold on the international shipping lanes and monopolize overseas supply chains?’
“Not quite, 007. Porch pirates are those people who steal packages you’ve purchased online after they’ve been delivered to your front doorstep. Nasty creatures.”
“You’ve got to be kidding, M. I defended Fort Knox from Goldfinger and now you want me to stop some pissants from pinching Aunt Edna’s waffle maker?”
M, accustomed to Bond’s flippancy, now grew stern.
“You may joke, James, but I’m afraid Amazon takes this kind of thing quite seriously. That’s why they asked me to put you on it.”
“Don’t you think this is a waste of my talents? I mean I’ve taken on Dr. No, Blofeld, SPECTRE, and SMERSH. I have a license to kill. “
“James, who do you think you are, Roger Moore? Enough with your ego. My corporate overlords… I mean supervisors … are giving us all new responsibilities. Don’t say a word to anybody, but on weekends I’m doubling as an Amazon Delivery Driver.”
M was slightly chagrined, but he quickly got back to business to discuss Bond’s equipment for Operation Porch Pirate.
“Now, about your gun, 007. Let me have your Walther. This is your new issue.”
“But this is an air gun, it can’t kill anyone.”
Precisely, man, we don’t want you to kill the porch pirates, just shoo them away.”
“And it runs on batteries.”
“Eight triple A, I believe. There is an excellent sale at Amazon right now. 36 for $13.79. Overnight delivery if I’m not mistaken. Here is your new briefcase with all your gadgets.”
“This briefcase has a USB port.”
“Yes, that’s how you will charge your equipment from now on. You can purchase your cables online. Make sure you get the right attachments, especially for the explosives. Things could get rum with the wrong cable. “
M continued, “Also, about your Aston Martin, James.”
“What about it?”
“We’re repossessing it. Your new car is outside.”
Bond peered out the window.
“But, that’s, that’s a Corolla.”
“Quite right, 007. Fully stocked, including the latest GPS technology. And for an extra $2000, we’ll throw in your own personal drone. Who says British Secret Service isn’t keeping up with the times!”
Bond felt himself having chest pains.
“In terms of your dress, James, I’m afraid no more Savile Row suits.”
Bond looked at him aghast. “What?’
“Sorry, but they don’t fit the company image.”
“What am I to wear, then?”
“We can get you some nice Amazon apparel, cheap. Otherwise, go online and Amazon has some nice suits for under $100, with free delivery if you are an Amazon Prime member. You do belong to Amazon Prime, don’t you, 007?”
Bond, still horrified, didn’t answer.
“One last thing, James.”
He handed Bond a picture of a bald man with a malevolent smile, sitting in a high-backed chair, who resembled a supervillain.
“Be on the lookout for this man, James.”
“Who is he? The mastermind behind the porch pirates?”
“Hardly, 007. He is Mr. Big. Name is Bezos, Jeff Bezos. Worth in the neighborhood of $250 billion.”
“Expensive neighborhood.”
“Unfortunately, James, our sources tell us he wants to kill you off and replace you with a robot 008.”
“Why would he want to do that? I’m your best agent.”
“Lots of reasons, 007. Robots are cheaper to operate, don’t drink, don’t become involved with women, no pension necessary. They don’t need health insurance, only replaceable parts, and there is only one company that sells them. I imagine you can guess which one. This Bezos character is cunning – makes Goldfinger look like a piker.”
“Personally, M, he sounds like the most dastardly supervillain I’ve heard of.”
With that, a forlorn Bond left his chair and prepared to leave.
“What are you going to do now, 007?”
“I’m going out for a drink.”
“Your drink is a martini, shaken not stirred, right? Just don’t let anyone see you with one, 007.”
“Why not?”
“Amazon has a strict policy against alcohol use by employees. It says right here in the new manual, ‘Employees who test positive for alcohol may be placed on leave.’”
Bond, disconsolate, said nothing but shook his head ruefully as he exited the office. He wondered if perhaps SPECTRE needed an agent with a license to kill.
-30-
Dr. Cory Franklin
Cory Franklin, physician and writer is a frequent contributor to johnkassnews.com.
He was director of medical intensive care at Cook County Hospital in Chicago for more than 25 years. An editorial ng the pathologists who studied it intently but had no idea what body part it could be. This was before it was known as trolling.)
There is a lesson here. The next time someone tells you, with unmistakable conviction, that he believes in “the science,” gladly offer to discuss science with him over a sandwich. Give him a choice, chorizo or perhaps kosher salami. board contributor to the Chicago Tribune op-ed page, he writes freelance medical and non-medical articles. His work has also appeared in the New York Times, Jerusalem Post, Chicago Sun-Times, New York Post, Guardian, Washington Post and has been excerpted in the New York Review of Books. Cory was also Harrison Ford’s technical adviser and one of the role models for the character Ford played in the 1993 movie, “The Fugitive.” His YouTube podcast “Rememberingthepassed” has received 900,000 hits to date. He published “Chicago Flashbulbs” in 2013, “Cook County ICU: 30 Years of Unforgettable Patients and Odd Cases” in 2015, and most recently coauthored, A Guide to Writing College Admission Essays: Practical Advice for Students and Parents in 2021.
Comments 21
Quite.
Good one Hickey! Loved Bond from the beginning. This could be an amusing “Short” before the next 007 pic.
Porch Pirates or Lincoln Park Pirates? Bond, James Bond or Christopher Steele?
Will Ms. Sanchez be a villain or hero? Can James trust her or will she show up after her ‘demise’?
When Walmart took down the SEARS Tower in the 1980/90s it was a dark day for Chicagoland and moving to the west burbs couldn’t save Sears or Roebuck. Then Amazon took down Walmart after Sam passed away and the silver spoon kids pushed the Chicom junk instead of ‘Made in the USA’. The question I have is who is going to take down Amazon? It might take 100 years but I hope it’s somebody that believes in “Made in the USA” again. “To me way, hay Tow them away”.
This was lame!
Author
lighten up Francis
Agreed. Not up to the site’s standards.
Can’t be lame! Anything that quotes Steve Goodman inherently has value.
I thought it was funny.
Author
me too
Yawn
A fun read.
007 has been a fun franchise for my entire life. One of a few things my dad and I would want to talk about together. It’s exiting copyright protection so can’t blame the family for selling. I fully appreciate:
— corporate rules which seem to be keeping pace with the progressive movement to overburden society with their rules to govern how we eat, sleep, live, and (probably soon) how we relieve ourselves…
— “This Bezos character is cunning – makes Goldfinger look like a piker.” 🙂 Related, the best Bond movie line ever is from Goldfinger: “No Mr. Bond – I expect you to die!” And that movie has the best theme song.
Don’t forget, no one in the US had ever heard of Ian Fleming until John F Kennedy mentioned to a reporter that Fleming was his current night-time read.
When was the last time anyone read the word pissants
in a sentence ? Outstanding Doc, Thank You.
The word describes most of those in Congress and all
of Illinois politicians
Who will play the Soviet General, Lieutenant-General Orlov from the Octopussy remake? Please, no out of work Ukrainian actors need apply! Had a laugh with this one, Dr. Franklin.
Sad but true, Thank you Doctor Franklin. Corporations, robotics and AI, no more working man or women positions.
You forgot the part about him setting off the smoke alarms and sprinkler systems when he lit a cigarette.
Although I’m not sure Bond has been shown smoking on screen since Connery…
Ian Fleming was the brains behind Bond. In Fleming’s imagination, he was a bit of a cryptoanalyist and spook together, but additionally a cad and rake. (Hence Bond’s femme fatales, Pussy Galore, etc.) It was a mockup of a spy’s life, dashing and debonair and in each mission, overtly sexual. I’m not knocking the Bond movies, Goldeneye being my favorite about an all-hands on deck effort to stop a satellite-like Death Star that Russians were working on, with the help of Natalya Simonova against Xenia Onnatopp, tech wizard Boris (who has trouble counting) and the ultimate catch, Alec Trevelyean––a Coassack Nazi collaborator who the UK tried to rehabilitate for his knowledge of Eastern European crime syndicates. He becomes a confidant of Bond and go on missions together, until he betrays Bond in a chemical accident and escapes.
He joins the Janus organization (named after the two-faced deity, not the mutual fund) and is hellbent on destroying Bond and Mi6, but his play is a long one. Luckily Q, the Mi6 tech wizard, sets James up with an important gadget, should he need it––a pen that when clicked the right amount of times, serves as an explosive. Boris gets hold of the pen, and in diligent counting of clicks, Bond knocks it away from him into a sluice of water and the whole Golden Eye facility goes up into flames.
MGM acquired Bond, Broccoli and Fleming’s version, but it’s bound to follow in the tradition, which honestly has been hackneyed since Daniel Craig’s turn as Bond. The threadbare plots meld together and they’ve been playing it safe. Maybe MGM will add some spice to it.
David, this was great! Maybe you need to start filling in for Kass too!
This script is missing something. A car chase that absorbs half the time has become obligatory in current Bond movies. Maybe something original, like a Tesla being chased by a toy remote auto.
But that’s a Corolla. Not quite 007. A Corolla ELECTRIC. And its fully stocked.