By John Kass
June 6, 2020
As the Leviathan continues to grow, the Idiocracy has become something of a shape-shifting alien beast from bad-sci fi movies.
Like one of those thick ugly thick worms flowing from one unsuspecting host to the next in “The Hidden,” starring K.D. Lang impersonator Kyle MacLachlan, and perhaps the worst alien worm movie of all time.
Yet once exposed to the blinding light of the Golden Moutza, the idiots just shrivel. The alien host is repelled.
And today, as if by coincidence, we award the Golden Moutza of May.
All may nominate. Readers find me on social media near the end of the month, point their palms at their targets, adding a few earthy Greek phrases like “Nah Parta! (Here take them!) or “Feesah Etho! (Blow right here!) or others. All can give the Moutza, a tradition literally handed down to us by the ancient Hellenes.
Sorry about being a few days late with this, but the hospital and my torn rotator cuff on our anniversary got in the way. The back-story is perhaps a story for another time, of me falling stupidly in the shower, flopping around like an angry beached Greek whale on the floor, Betty trying to help me up. It was comical except for she shoulder. But for now think of the important thing:
Who wins the coveted Golden Moutza? I won’t tell you. You’ll have to read it. The Moutza is the last meritocracy. Those who win must earn it.
The nominees? Beto O’Rourke for his disgusting stunt in Texas. And Republican Senate Leader Mitch McConnell because of his face (it irks me so). The Four Furies of Chicago violent crime, including George Soros’ favorite non-prosecutor, Cook County State’s Attorney Kim Foxx. As long Foxx holds office, there is no way to stop the violent crime spike.
And the Chicago Tribune, which in a recent editorial, endorsed Foxx’s patroness, Cook County Board President Toni Preckwinkle. Without Boss Toni and Soros, Foxx would not be in office. The editorial did not even mention the name of Foxx. Yet with Boss Toni’s protection, Foxx wreaks havoc at 26th and Cal, demoralizing good prosecutors who remain, while Foxx and Preckwinkle out-of-control progressive policies undercut the rule of law. Chicago suffers, groaning under the increase of violent street crime.
And the Tribune endorses Boss Toni for re-election?
I was once proud to have been a member of that editorial board. The tribunes were once selected by the people of Rome to protect the people’s interests. But the newspaper now endorses Boss Toni against the people’s interest. Boss Toni is chair of the Cook County Democrats. She targeted a respected judge for removal, simply for the political sin of appointing a special prosecutor to investigate Foxx’s wantonly unethical handling of the Jussie Smollett fiasco. The Tribune even wrote an editorial condemning Preckwinkle’s strong-arming an independent judiciary. And before the woke newsroom guild attacked me for writing about Soros and Foxx, I wrote a column about it.
But that was then. Now the Tribune editorial board supports the Boss Toni Machine? And by supporting Preckwinkle, the once-great newspaper gives political cover to Foxx, against the interests of the people.
And Chicago Mayor Lori “Phallus Maximus” Lightfoot, who also endorsed Foxx. Lightfoot is the worst mayor in America. She plays the race card and whines that she’s being criticized because she’s black and a woman. No, Mayor. It’s because you’re a disaster as mayor.
Lori? What is a woman?
There were other morons too numerous to mention, including whoever hijacked poor former President Barack Obama’s Twitter account and linked George Floyd to the murders in Uvalde. Whoever has hijacked the former president’s account, making him look like just another petty political hack and fool, you will be found out. I promise.
And Chicago Police Supt. David Brown, known as the Lightfoot Whisperer. He whispers into her ear and his thoughts come out of her mouth.
“The Miracle Worker, Supt. of Police David Brown,” writes retired Chicago cop Peter V. Bella. “He plans, strategizes and deploys. He can continually turn failure into success. NAH!!”
Oh, and many remembered Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen brushing off any risks of inflation from Biden overspending.
Reader Glenn Misek explains. “Yellen, who for nearly a year downplayed the threat of long-term inflation so her President and the Democrats could push through even more egregious spending. She and her team have helped destroy our economy while reaping the rewards of cushy federal jobs. So, Madam Secretary, blow on this.”
ICYMI, Yellen and other handlers of the presidential meat puppet were given a superb Moutza by Steve Huntley in a recent column.
And me. Yes I’ve been nominated for the Golden Moutza.
I deserve it. We once lived in an America where people giving the Moutza were straight up about it, direct, clear of purpose, unambiguous of meaning. Like Lisa Radville, who said that Spirit Airlines cancelled her flights. She put her palm to work.
“Spirit Airlines. Just. Because.” Radville wrote in her nomination. “They suck. Blow on it and go out of business!!!”
Readers like Radville and Martha Strawbridge and a few others could have been warrior queens of Sparta.
But then comes the devious ones, like the passive-aggressive orchard enthusiast Bruce Vee, and his partner in crime, the writer Grant Davies who tries a devious ploy to cut through the Moutza line.
“So many nominees, so little time and much less bandwidth to truly acknowledge all worthy ‘Moutzaees.’ However, I have some low hanging fruit to pluck,” writes Vee, said that weeks ago, in a column mentioning the birds of spring, I suggested readers were to blame for a lot gone wrong in Chicago and that I deserved the Golden Moutza for my support of Phallus Maximus.
And he has the gall to quote me with my own words to hoist me with my own petard.
“You suggested we (readers) possibly were to blame for your fawning on Lightfoot, by not slapping you upside the head to wake you from your support. I respectfully offer a pre-emptive Moutza to thee. NAH! For not taking responsibility for your actions.”
I do deserve it. I just wish the devious Mr. Vee would have put some salt on it or at least some decent cheese to make it tastier. Yes, I supported Lori. I defended Lori. I broke with her when she weakly turned the city over to BLM rioters and endorsed Foxx for re-election.
But no excuse, salt or no salt, cheese or no cheese. I deserve this Moutza. Behold: I Moutza myself and weep for what I have done. Ouch. It hurts.
And then comes Grant Davies. He tries to cut to the front of the Moutza line through his “Fundamental Things” substack titled “It Moutza Time (Just Say Nah!)
“It was just a cheap trick I learned from growing up in Chicago,” writes Davies. “I’m not a Chicagoan anymore but I still know about the ‘Chicago Way.’
Cheap trick Mr. Davies. But quite effective.
Lin Feddor Cappozzo nominates the St. Anselm Catholic school for giving out thongs to moms for Mother’s Day and embarrassing itself.
“Everyone eager to pay homage to their moms…” she writes of red roses given to moms.
“Upon a closer look-see, the flower was a thong. Nah! Moms don’t want thongs from their children. Dads were happy.”
Were dads truly happy?
The reader “Beer Girl” gave her golden Moutza to Cook County Assessor Fritz Kaegi.
“For running a political ad for re-election which shows a short order cook putting ketchup on a hot dog! So, Nah to you Mr. Kaegi and your ketchup! Blow on it!”
Is Fritz running for food critic of Coney Island?
Cathie Butler was one of many who nominated the ridiculous Texas Democrat Beto O’Rourke, for his disgusting political stunt capitalizing on the dead from that shooting in Texas at a news conference.
“I nominate Beto O’Rourke for politicizing the Uvalde shooting tragedy,” says Butler. “What a self-serving, egotistical schmuck. Allegedly he had someone sit in the audience to hold a seat for him during the somber news conference about the tragedy, and he slid in the last moment to grandstand. Blow on it!”
I don’t think that kind of cheap disgusting stunt plays in Texas.
It takes a special varmint to even conceive of such a thing, to grandstand that way, a varmint that can sneak under a sitting hen and suck the yolk from an egg without breaking the shell.
Beto, lift your shameless face to the light.
The Golden Moutza belongs to you. Playing the president’s gun grabber and performing for the hysterical Jacobin mob is one thing. Pretending the Constitution is what you say it is is another. But this?
Enjoy what’s left of your bleak political career.
Blow on it.
(Copyright 2022 John Kass)