By John Kass

A Moutza of the Month Hotline?

Hmmm. That’s a great idea.

It comes from reader Tom Dattalo who can’t seem to remember all his favorite idiotic candidates when the Moutza of the Month nominations are due.

“John, have you considered starting a Moutza of the Month hotline so we can alert you to potential candidates as the month goes on?” asks Mr. Dattalo.

“Tough to recall them all as the month comes to an end. My vote for the monthly Moutza, however, has to go to Nancy “Let Them Eat Cake (and Ice Cream)” Pelosi Antoinette. She decided to run for Congress again for what seems like the 100^th time. Never has someone done so little for so long. Hopefully she can give us all some stock picking tips in her next term. Nah!”

I just might consider your fine idea Mr. Dattalo. The horde of deserving nincompoops are overwhelming the Idiocracy, from the snooty presidential press secretary mocking critics of  Democrats’ soft-on-crime policies, to the chief judge in Chicago who makes excuses for alleged murderers of 8-year-old girls, and on to the foul-mouthed mayor who  can’t run her city, yet threatens police commanders.

Yes Lori, you did.

Top cops are still talking about how you spoke to them the other day, behind closed doors. They loathe you now.

Nah.

And that Pelosi business about members of Congress making killings in the stock market—something both parties and staffers enjoy—makes me wonder: Did they get into politics to get rich on insider trading and rub our noses in their brilliance?

David Kleckner nominates Bette Midler, for “calling West Virginians poor, illiterate and strung out because Sen. Joe Manchin, D., didn’t bend to Democratic Party demands. Nah. Feesah Etho, and how about a doggie butt too?”

 Kleckner offered a news link to West Virginia Gov. Jim Justice bringing an English Bulldog, “Babydog” to work with a message for Midler.

The photo of the dog’s behind is worth a thousand Nahs, especially when reserved for a Hollywood lefty who mocks working people for demonstrating common sense.

“Babydog tells Bette Midler and all those out there: Kiss her heinie,” said the governor, lifting the beautiful pup, butt toward the cameras. He and his pooch got a standing ovation.

Bette? As the noble English Bulldog tends toward flatulence, are you now the wind beneath Babydog’s wings? Oh, sorry, bulldogs don’t have wings. They’re farters, though. And that bulldog’s behind is talking to you Bette Midler.

Nah!

Pete Sremac nominates Cook County Board President Toni Preckwinkle, chair of the Cook County Democrats, the boss of judges, the budget of the near empty county jail and patroness of her ethically challenged stooge, Cook County State’s Attorney Kim “Jussie’s Girl” Foxx.

“Toni Taxwinkle for sitting behind the curtain controlling the county’s purse-strings to get what she wants, empty jails (Sheriff Dart) no prosecutions (Foxx) and zero bail for accused criminals (Judge Evans). Nah!”

And she’ll keep on doing it as long as woke corporate media let her get away with it by ignoring what she’s done. She laughs at them. They laugh at you.

“How long are we going to tolerate these Soros supported Democrats ruining a once great city?” asks Gordon VanderMeulen.

Not all Democrats are supported by Soros. But how long will the people of Chicago and Cook County take repeated slaps in the mouth? They’ve been taking it for decades, long before Soros ever dipped his wrinkled hands into local politics. Politicians keep telling you to shut up and take it and you keep taking it. Therefore, one thing is certain:

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

“Since this month there are so many candidates to choose from, I strongly suggest you institute a Moutza of the Week,” says Lois Zostautas. “I hope you consider this suggestion. Thanks.”

Thank you, Lois. But the sacred scrolls of the Moutzatution are clear: U.S. Presidents are exempt, even those with brains of banana pudding who may have a crackhead son protected by corporate media and Big Tech censors, who just may be a bagman dealing in Ukraine and China. And the second thing the scrolls tell us is that there can be only one.

So, let’s select the winner of the Moutza of the Month of January.

 You know how this works. I open nominations toward the end of the month. If you don’t know how to Moutza, ask a Greek, or if we’re too earthy and passionate for some of you (Jackie Kennedy didn’t mind), then watch this film by Jason Meisner–an Un Film de Wings made back when working at “the paper” was fun. He should have been awarded an Oscar for directing.

““I have two nominees,” writes Ron Spaeth. “I have two nominees: Olivia Cook/University of Michigan (as chronicled by Cory Franklin) and the Mukilteo School Board for removing To Kill a Mockingbird from its required reading list. Not “banning” it mind you (yeah, right!), but removing it from the list. To all I say blow on it!”

Dr. Franklin is an elegant writer. He punctured the politically correct Theatrical Race Police in his superb guest column “There’s A Reason They Call It Acting,

And it’s clear that book banning is all the rage. What can you expect from a culture that offers safe spaces from ideas?

But a school that removes “To Kill a Mockingbird,” from its required reading list is just too stupid for words, except the words “Nah!” and “Feesah Etho!”.

“The McMinn County, Tennessee school board for banning ‘Maus’ a graphic novel about the Holocaust and its aftermath,” writes Peter V. Bella. “Nah. Feesah!”

Beer girl seconded that emotion. “NAH to you, Tennessee School Board Members!”

And blow on it.

“I nominate Governor Commodius Maximus,” says Jennifer Zenda. “He is already running re-election ads touting how he has “fixed” our budget issues and is passing balanced budgets. They aren’t “balanced” when you have to borrow money to make up for the fact that you’re budgeting more than you’re receiving via tax revenue. Budgeting with a shortfall, borrowing money to cover said shortfall, and running ads how everything is balanced is an awfully big whopper, just like he is. NAH!”

Tom Winike kindly offers a nonpolitical Moutza.

“Nonpolitical Moutza to the ‘Pants Man,” says Winike of the guitar thief who allegedly stuffed an $8,000 guitar down his pants. “If he’s a male who suffers frequent urges to urinate, the guitar might have water damage like we saw in the Chicago tunnel flood of 1992. Nah!”

I’m just glad it wasn’t a clarinet, or a 25-pound frozen turkey.

There are so many worthies, from a race hustler almost hired by the woke schools of Hinsdale until parents finally woke up to that hysterical Covidian teacher in Texas who put her 13-year-old into the trunk of her car rather than risk exposure

But what about Cook County Chief Judge Tim Evans?

I’ve always liked him personally, he’s a courteous gentleman. But he’s also weak and not a leader. A Tim? This isn’t personal.

Many were appalled the other day after Evans’ appearance at the Union League Club, when the Chief Judge of Cook County offered a defense strategy to those charged with murder of  8-year-old Melissa Ortega.

I was there. I saw the nice weakling of many years ago, and the nice weakling of today. Same guy.

Evans said the alleged 16-year-old triggerman, a Latin King, can’t tell right from wrong because his prefrontal cortex hasn’t been fully developed. In Evans’ mind, this applies to everyone under 25.

“…that makes it impossible for him to distinguish between the right thing to do and the wrong thing to do,” Evans said.

I thought it was bad when catch-and-release Soros’ prosecutor Foxx was re-elected. That sent a message too. The message is “get the (bleep) out.”

But Evan’s babbling seems worse.

“I’ve decided to nominate Tim Evans,” said Kathleen Sawicki. “The man is a dinosaur in the Dem Party and should face recall or defeat! I give him the Big Yellow Hand (not to be confused with the Big Red Hand of ‘Peaky Blinders’ mind you! NAH!”

The hand is golden, Kathleen.

“If prefrontal cortexes aren’t fully formed until age 25, why do we let underdeveloped ‘youth’ make decisions like vote, drive, drink serve in the military and run for office?” asked Janet Klinger-Scaliatine. “What a bunch of progressive psychobabble. NAH!”

“Hands down Judge Evans,” said Vivian Davros, passing sentence. . “Judge Evans, Nah! Feesah Etho, kai parta! (And take them.)

You hear that, Tim? You’re the people’s choice. You know that violent crime is the issue.  And you decided to shield Boss Toni and take one for the team.

So take it.

Lift that weak chin and think of  8-year-old  Melissa Ortega and those kids swept away by Chicago’s River of Violence. Numb as they are, the people forget the names of the victims. But they won’t forget your name, will they, Tim?

The Golden Moutza of January belongs to you.

You’ve earned it with that idiot wind rushing past your teeth at the Union League Club.

Nah!

Feesah etho Chief Judge. And take them all.

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(Copyright 2022 John Kass)