Blind Man

By Mike Houlihan

August 20, 2023

Getting old sucks, we all know that, even you young whippersnappers.

You don’t have to be elderly to observe how awful life can be for those of us getting on in years. Eventually a series of health issues will plague your once young and gorgeous physique to remind you that yes, every day brings you closer to the eventual dirt nap.

Sure it’s depressing, but if I’ve learned anything it’s that you gotta put things in perspective. Everybody is going down and the key is to enjoy and revel in what you have while you have it.

And of course, there’s always heaven.

I recently had a health crisis, infitesimal compared to others I know, but for me, well it scared the bejeezus out of me.

For almost 75 years I’ve been lucky, smoked and drank to excess and loved it. Got fat but laughed at the mirror. As my old pal Skinny Sheahan often told me, “You look good fat!”

But just a couple of weeks ago, I had a crisis with my vision. Suddenly, I couldn’t feckin’ see!

I’d worn glasses for years and coped, but suddenly my vision was getting really, really bad. And as a writer and reader who was now walking around with a magnifying glass the size of a manhole cover, it wasn’t a great look.

I went to my eye doc and told a mildly dirty joke to Eileen the receptionist. In retrospect, I think that’s what sent my karma spinning.

Brian my doctor referred me to a retina specialist, a guy with a first name longer than the Yangtze River. Brian hinted that he was worried I might have AMD, age related macular degeneration. Now I was scared and with the dilation drops still in my eyes I jumped in my Toyota and drove to my primary care physician’s office to get a “referral” and get to this Ethiopian doctor before I went stone feckin blind!

And while I was driving like a maniac up Archer Avenue an old parable came to mind.

“Why do you see the speck in your neighbor’s eye, but do not notice the log in your own eye? Or how can you say to your neighbor, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye’ while the log is in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your neighbor’s eye.” (Matthew 7:3-5).

How do we remove the log from our own eye? Prayer and meditation—and willingness. If our intention is to clearly see ourselves, not to impose our flawed visions and judgments onto others, the energy of God will guide us effortlessly in that process.

And so the Doc scheduled me for surgery and a few weeks back I had a cataract removed from my left eye. It was like a miracle.

Looking back I turned over all the analogies of finding my sight and when we have faith, how easy it is to see the light.

Nothin’s as it seems. Which reminds me of the story back in the fifties of Sister Ursula the Mercy nun in the convent over on Damen Avenue.

Ya see, Sister Ursula was what we call a large woman, ample breasts, and the poor dear would break into a sweat at the drop of a hat.

One hot summer day, all the nuns went on a field trip to the zoo with the children and Sister Ursula was left behind to mind the convent business. There she was…all alone and the sun outside was blazin’!

Sister Ursula took that opportunity to draw herself a nice cool bath, “Now’s me chance!”, she thought to herself, as she disrobed the heavy black wimple and habit on the bathroom floor.

“Ah this is lovely.”, she told herself as she soaped up her ample bosom and sponged the water into her fiery red hair.

But then…the doorbell rang, strange for a Saturday at the convent with all the other nuns out at the zoo with the children.

“Oh my God, who could that be? I can’t answer the door…I’m starkers!”

Ding dong…

Argggh, she climbed slowly out of the tub and tip toed out to the front door foyer.

Whoever it was, kept insistently ringing the bell. Could they know she was here alone?

Ding dong…

Now she was angry, who could be wasting her time and interrupting her afternoon delight?

She stood there outside the door dripping on the floor and finally said in her sweetest voice, “Who is it?”

“Blind Man”, came the response!

Oh the poor thing, he must be begging, I’ll just send him on to the rectory where they can give him a sandwich.

Sister Ursula then opened the door revealing all her glory and heard the man say.

“Wow, nice tits Sister! Where do you want these Venetian Blinds?”

So was it the cataract in my eye or me and my big mouth telling that story to the eye doctor’s receptionist that started my problems?

Well just like Sister Ursula I guess I learned my lesson.

No, she did not invite the blind man to join her in the tub!

-30-

Known around town as “Houli,” he is former features columnist for The Chicago Sun-Times, Irish American News and currently Chicago correspondent for The Irish Echo. He began his career in 1973 as an apprentice with The American Shakespeare Festival, appearing in the classics there and in regional productions across the nation as well as Off-Broadway, on Broadway, on TV and in major motion pictures. He is a playwright and author of anthologies “Hooliganism Stories” and “More Hooliganism Stories” and the gonzo Mayoral campaign journal “Nothin’s on The Square”. Founder of the Annual Irish American Movie Hooley film festival each Fall at The Wilmette Theatre. He was honored as 2020/2021 “Irishman of the Year” by the Emerald Society, the Irish American Police Association. His Hibernian Radio Hour podcast can be found at hibernianradio.org and streaming worldwide on Sat. nights from 7-8PM on Global Irish Radio, GIR.ie.

His latest book ” Chicago Irish Mythology” is available on Amazon and wherever else you buy your books.

https://abbeyfealepress.com/

Comments 38

    1. Good morning, John. Haven’t seen you writing much and praying you’re doing ok and recovering well. I’m recovering from some rough surgery myself. God bless you!

      1. so sorry you’re feeling poorly, Matalynne. Hope you’re doing better. I’m sorry you’ve been ill, because you’ve missed many of my best columns. I’m still writing twice or three times a week, plus the Chicago Way podcasts. maybe three a week if the heart can take it. subscribers can find what you’ve missed by going to the the top of the page and click on “news” and you’ll see them

  2. I need eye bleach after that Sister Ursula yarn, Houli. I took was plagued by the Sisters of Mercy. My Grandpa Hickey called them, ” Hairy jawed old Galway bitches.”

    My God shine a light on all of our eyes.

  3. Never take your health for granted – either of you – Yianni and Houli! We must endeavor to take better care of these “temples” with which God has blessed us! Stay well….both of you, and thanks for the laugh!

  5. A fine way to get the day started. Heard that one a few times and always enjoy it.
    Cataract surgery is a man-made miracle (thanks be to God).
    Stay well and keep writing.
    HY

  8. I had the School Sisters of Notre Dame in grade school, and the joke was that most of them had played football there. But to this day, every time I see a Nun I thank them. They always ask why and I tell them that it was women like them who helped to make me a lot of what I am today.
    Too bad you’re going to Hell for making a Nun joke (lol). Great column!

  9. For a few years I actually tried being a Unitarian. No problem there with merciless nuns wielding rulers. The problem was that we couldn’t sing hymns well because we were always looking ahead to see whether we agreed with the lyrics.

  13. I know someone well past 80 with sight in ONE eye who drives all over Northern VA and DC. It’s scary how people in our age cohort hang onto their keys. A cataract is a far better malady that macular degeneration; I am glad you are on the mend. My mother had the dry MD and could read the clock on the wall in the hospital at 84 (she was prescient and died shortly before 9-11).

  14. Once again, thank you John for thinking this up. Great to hear from an honest institution of the South Side ( Houlihan). I think Houlihan went to Quigley South and me too. If not, close enough. Glad to hear the procedure went well and he will be back in action. You too, John. Please keep it up. You have fans.

  15. Things just happen, to the bad and the good ones. Only the Almighty knows why as the answer is always “Why not”. One such person is a dear woman I’ll named Roslyn. Don’t know of anyone worse off, she’d be happy to exchange places with S Mc Michael. She has a very rare condition, she is cognizant but CANNOT move at all. Hands, legs, eyes, blinking, mouth, cannot move anything, but she can produce tears as she did when I started to cry when we last saw her. I continue to pray for her. Most of her life was overseas as a missionaries wife. Her husband still works as a missionary but online only. Point is God allows good or bad health to what we call the redeemed and the lost. So if you can walk or talk or see or hear or smile or hug or eat or anything else you can physically do, Count Your Blessings! Only The Lord Almighty knows what will happen tomorrow to you. And if you could pray for Roslyn, I thank you.

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