A Grand Avenue Christmas Carol

By Peter Bella

December 21, 2022

Twas the night before Christmas, and all tru da house

Not a creature was stirring, not even da louse

Da stockins were hung by da chimney wid care

The stink they gave off fouled up da air

Da children was nestled all snug in dere beds

Wid visions of my hand smacking dere heads

The gumad in her thong and me with my bong

Had just took a hit that was way too long

When out on da street dere was such a clatter

I stumbled from bed to see what was da matter

I tripped on da floor while makin a dash

tore open da winder and found my old stash

The moon on da street lit da crappy new snow

It shone so bright on da strutting hookers below

When what to my waterin eyes when I looks

Some sled skidding down wid eight crazy mooks

Some drunken dwarf driver so clumsy and thick

I knew in a moment it was Little Nick

Wid bats and bricks they tripped as they came

Nick whistled and shouted and called them by name

Yo Abie! Yo Joey!

Yo Sal! Yo Cockeye!

Yeah, Screwy! Yo Mooney!

Hey Donnie! Yo Mugsy!

Get up dat porch

To da top a da wall

Dat fat bum made da freakin call

Like alley rats dat scurry wid daylight

When de meet da wind dey go to flight

So up da fire escape, da cousins dey ran

Wid bats and bricks and gasoline can

And in a twinkle, I hear on da roof

The scraping and pawing of each little goof

As I cleared my head and turned around

Down da chimney, Little Nick did bound

He was dressed in fur from his head to his foot

Da fur was all covered wid cinders and soot

A buncha junk he had on his back

He looked like a teef openin his pack

His eyes bloodshot, his dimples how stubbled

His cheeks were unshaven his nose was all hairy

He smelled like Four Roses

He had too much merry

The stump of a joint he held tight in his teet

Da smoke of the cheap stuff smelled like dirty feet

He had a face like a toad and a big round belly

Dat shook when he yelled like a bowl full of jelly

He was chubby and plump, an angry old elf

And I laughed when I saw him in spite of myself

A wink of his eye and twist of his head

He let me know I would be dead

He did’n say nuttin. He went to work

Beatin on me like I was a jerk

I laid a fist on da side a his nose

Kicked an kicked him in da ass en up da chimney he rose

He sprang to his sled to his team gave a whistle

An da cousins ran so fast dey looked like a missile

I heard him yell as he drove outta sight

Dis ain’t de end

Dere’ll be anudder night

-30-

    Peter V. Bella is a retired Chicago Police Officer. He spent almost thirty years driving in square circles, serving and protecting the public. He is a photographer, writer, serious cook, and eater. Mr. Bella’s astrological sign is Skull and Crossbones. Mr. Bella’s preferred pronouns are it, deze, dem, doz, dere, and dat. In his spare time, Mr. Bella likes to watch paint dry and spiders kill flies.

 

Comments 16

  1. If only on the night before Christmas, all of us, Gentile, Jew, Muslim, Hindu, Atheists, could put away of petty judgements, selfishness, gullibility, and open our hearts and minds to each other.

    John always writes a beautiful Christmas column. He touches on message of Christ, which is love. I think many of us lose sight of this. In his column, John always reminds us that the door is always open, we just have to pass through it and open our hearts.

    John writes of the radical left, the jacobins, and the woke, who have hijacked higher education, the media, much of the federal government, but not the hearts and minds of most of the citizenry.

    There is an extreme right wing that has risen up as well, which uses resentment, fear, and prejudices, and has become an industry unto itself, seizing on the loneliness, disenfranchisement and economic instability many of our global trade policies has fomented through t the nation.

    It is time to question everything and strips away the bitter layers that have hardened us. We need to remember why we are here. We need to take better care of ourselves and each other, and it is not through division that this can be accomplished.

    In the Declaration of Independence it states that governments are instituted among men and that’s the power to rule comes from the consent of the governed. Well, we need to exercise our power and demand changes to this current political structure we have that is slowly devouring and diminishing the American experiment.

    We no longer have rigorous political debate. We have sound bites and tweets. We no longer discuss our common goals and identify priorities. There is no vision, no clear leadership, and our middle class is being hollowed out.

    If you look at California, it is a microcosm of the state of nation today. We have very rich, obscenely rich people, living right beside the most poverty stricken folks this side of Calcutta. The state spends billions to “help” the homeless, yet, the problem gets worse every year. We do not have a shortage of resources, we have a shortage of leadership and a lack of clear goals and accountability.

    If we continue to let our elected officials, with the aid of a complicit legacy media machine divide us and keep us fighting, we are through. You can put a fork in this American experiment. We need to remember the central theme of the philosophies of Faith that our nation was founded upon. It is not greed, or judgement, or fear. It is Christ’s message of love.

    So, it is not that there is too much charity, too much spent on social programs. We have plenty of charity, we have too many social programs. There is bloat, waste, incompetence, and rank thievery going on on a grand scale. The dollars are there, look at CPS, they have billions, yet cannot keep the buildings clean, the schools safe, and the kids learning at a reasonable level. They do not need more money. They need leaders willing to tell the truth and focus on what’s the true mission. Is supposed to be.

    Leadership is what is needed across our nation right now, as the infighting is distracting us and enabling this thievery to continue in all spheres of government and industry.

    It is time for the people to exercise their freedom to abolish the current system and put one in that works for all of us.

    2. Robert, your comment is a clarion call. May there be ears to hear it, and I pray that the humble and wise will join together to act. I hope people are beginning to recognize that it is time to unify around principles which allow us all to cohere, rather than endlessly divide ourselves. I am grateful this morning for such a clear exposition of the problem, and path toward the solution.

    4. Right on the money! But in Illinois, Chicago and across the country in so many cities, the same leftists are elected, as voters expect different results… the true sign of insanity!!

    6. Great sentiments, but human nature has descended too far into the pit. As long as money can buy political office, and sound bites determine what a person believes, nothing will change. True journalists are few and far between. Voters are like naive sheep – they have no real clue what is going on and they don’t care to change it anyway.

    9. Thank you. It’s comforting to know there are still reasonable, thoughtful individuals in this country. Hopefully, more of the “silent majority” will begin to speak up; not shouting or ranting, just speaking logically and rationally and thus letting the vast majority of people in this country from all walks of life who are polite and listen and feel the same way to know they’re not alone.

  4. A little of dis and a little of dat. Back in the days of a tit for tat. When criminals had honor and left the women and children alone. Who’d a thought sixty years ago people would call that the good old days?

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