When it Rains it Pours

By John Kass

April 5th, 2024

Against the advice of the Lovely Sicilian, I’ve decided to write a column involving gallstones.

I’ve never seen a gallstone. I’ve never written about them. I want nothing to do with them. The whole subject is icky and gross.

But I (bleeping) do feel them.

And I begin to write this from a hospital bed where I’ve gotten a video gamer’s thumb by repeatedly calling for the nurse for pain meds.

Gallstones are excruciating. The pain is positively medieval. Now I know what the Inquisition must’ve been like.

I’m a gentleman and I don’t want to go into the details of bodily functions, because this is johnkassnews.com, not “the View.”

So, you don’t need to hear more from me on that. Right now, though, I’m looking out at a gray April Indiana sky from my hospital room.

My hospital clear liquid diet included Jell-O, but without the chunks. There’s nothing that would make me more ill than finding floating pineapple chunks in the lime Jell-O.

“Eeewww,” said Courtney the nurse. “I’ve never heard of that. Gross.”

Betty explained my Jell-O obsession as if I were some crazed Dr. Van Helsing fighting Nosferatu. But I didn’t hear them as I was crying from pain like a big fat baby.

Ahhhhhhh morphine…

There are benefits under strict doctor supervision.

The downside to all this is that I’ll miss the fly-fishing trip to that river up north with good friends Dan Proft, Steve the Pilot and Ross the Baker. That river is a mystical, magical place, full of steelhead and big brown trout. I would lift a glass of Carpathian Single Malt if I could, I’ve worked so hard to get myself ready. I promised I’d be there with them, but I really can’t do it.  Talk about disappointment, but I just couldn’t handle that cold river right now.

So, I’m going to take a break from column writing for a few days. Betty has rallied the writers. The doctors are still deciding when to do surgery. We’ll see. I’ll write when I can. And as doctors poke and prod the appendix and the pancreas, I’ll think of three things.

There are columns I still must write. Spears I still want to throw. And many miles I still must walk before I’m done.

There’s still so much to do.

This is not the day to curl up and cry. I’m thinking of a column on Mayor “Panic Attacks” Johnson satisfying leftist Marxist fantasy by putting “affordable housing” into Chicago’s downtown business district on LaSalle Street.

Because that’s what a dying city truly needs, affordable housing paid for by whatever taxpayers remain in one of the once-great business districts.

Idiotic. Moutza worthy. Of course. But that’s what happens when leftist Democrats take over.

If you think anyone will pay millions of dollars to live in an affordable housing development, then you are kidding yourselves.

But that’s how Marxist Democrats see the world. It’s all about feelings, and it is fitting that it’s happening in Chicago, home of the Democrat National Convention, so that the nation can see what the leftists hold in store for the great cities:

Ruin, chaos and anarchy.

Or how about one on the trials and tribulations of Drama Queen Tiffany Henyard of Dolton?  Just before the eclipse, you could stand in front of the Dolton town hall, point to the sky and shout in the voice of a soothsayer that the gods are angry with the witch mayor of Dolton. But she’s a Democrat, and this is Illinois, so never mind.

Another on the spine of steel of J.K. Rowling standing up to the British Marxists and the pro trans “community” trying to silence her.

Leftist bigots in London or Chicago demand to be heard but then don’t think you should have free speech.

Perhaps a delicious one on the meltdown of the political left as China Joe Biden drops in the polls in the key swing states. But that is not some clear liquid. It isn’t Jell-O. It’s meaty, like a fat juicy oxtail braised in red wine and garlic, but my time of the oxtails must be delayed until the internal organs stop screaming.

So where are we now? I’ll take this weekend off and see what happens.

I won’t push myself as I did last winter and found myself on the banks of the river Styx. That’s a foul river full of eel. I was given another chance to get out of that river, and now, so I’m going to do what I can, when I can.

Let the doctors and the other fine writers do their thing. I’ll pop in from time to time when I can soon.

One thing you know is true: The circus of the chumbolones might be delayed, but it will continue.

The idiots will still engage in epic battles for the Golden Moutza. And I’ll be (belatedly) reading your excellent nominations this week.

Readers, I thank you. You joined me on this great adventure. I salute you.

Let’s see what happens.

-30-

About the author: John Kass spent decades as a political writer and news columnist in Chicago working at a major metropolitan newspaper. He is co-host of The Chicago Way podcast. And he just loves his “No Chumbolone” hat, because johnkassnews.com is a “No Chumbolone” Zone where you can always get a cup of common sense.

Comments 91

  1. Gallbladder surgery is a walk in the park compared to what you’ve been through. You’re as tough as they come, John. There are sure to be more glorious fishing trips in your future. God bless you and your family.

    1. Good grief! What else can happen to you? The fish will still be there for you. Hope surgery goes well and a speedy recovery. I’ll send a couple Hail Marys your way.

    2. John,
      Your so right about the pain, but the operation is not bad and the relief that you’ll feel is spectacular. Good luck and keep writing! Just in case, remember to keep a few coins for the boatman.

  2. Color me surprised when I recently learned through testing for another issue that I have silent gallstones, John. So your column is timely. Sending continued prayers to you that surgery will go well for you with blessed relief. You have a great Backup Crew.

  3. Gee. Seems I’m first up to wish you speedy recovery, to bemoan your fishing trip, and to offer prayers for you the patient and them the doctors.

    So all of that, and thank YOU for many enjoyable columns and the publication of much truth.

  9. John, you had me at pineapple chunks, the only way to have jello! Stay strong my friend, we are praying for you. Mom had this surgery a while ago and she got through. So right, the left is ruin, chaos and anarchy, how anyone still votes for any of them is a mystery to me. Also, The Dalton mayor is nuts and needs to go now! Stay strong, we need you more than ever.

  10. I had that done years ago John and you are correct, the pain is excruciating …mine was infected and they were able to remove it with a scope. Ask for Duladen, better than morphine..

      1. Dilaudid kept me going as I suffered from a gallstone getting lodged in my pancreatic duct…extremely painful! It all started in March but it took until October for my pancreas to settle down and the cyst drain so I could have that quick surgery. I sat on the couch for months with a drain but in the end it was all worth it and I am good as new! Good luck and follow the doctors orders…it will pay off!

  13. God bless and keep you, John Kass. My prayer list now includes your gallstones, joining my own right shoulder, my trophy wife’s neck, my buddy Lump’s throat…. what an exponential thing, these prayer lists.

    Your northern river, slyly anonymous, is, however, big hearted, so to speak. We read what youse guys live, painted poetically and I (we) will miss, too, your pals’ catch and release and keep. Pray they share a column of fishing Kassless.

    Two things, tokens/intentions from north Texas to north Indiana begin:

    1- We have spare ribs on sale at the meat market this week. I dug out a very un-Texan (but very “Halsted” recipe, https://theolivetaprecipes.com/recipes/greek-ribs-john-kass-style/ ) and will fragrance the neighborhood Sunday. You know that scent!

    2- We’re required to wear a cap at the meat market (and it IS a meat market in YOUR sense of the store with real meat cutters and shop made fresh and smoked sausages) (talk about run on sentences!) I’ve swapped out my Old Style cap for my stylishly overstated chumbolone cap! We sell everything you need for a Vienna Chicago hotdog to the burgeoning crowd of former Illinois/new Texas citizens. Many of them catch the Old Style cap and a west side conversation ensues to the amusement of everyone on the store. I suspect the more obscure chumbolone chapeau will stimulate (“the lively art of”) conversation and a quick prayer for your quick return to publication.

    God bless you, John Kass. We ALL want you back chop chop.

    hansen

  14. First of all- take care of yourself and best wishes with your surgery. We need you to keep speaking the truth and making your Greek ancestors proud.

    Reading this column was ironic today- I’m sitting here, looking at a dark Indiana sky, finishing the second bottle of some horrific liquid to prepare me for a medical procedure in about 5 hours. I’m not going any further than that, as it is almost as disgusting as what I’m drinking. There, hope that little bit of humor made you smile.

  15. You are in my morning prayer, as well as daily prayers. Suffering seems to be a path you are on as of late…the Lord will walk that path with you.

    Deacon John

  18. Good luck JK. So sorry you couldn’t make the fishing trip. But think of the positive side, your hospital stay will give you more time to decide who gets this months Moutza award. There are so many candidates. My favorite is mayor Tiffany of Dalton; typical Democrat, stealing the peoples money! This all will pass 🙂

  19. Keep up the fight John, and keep that thumb on the pain meds. It’s just another challenge on your path though you have more than your share. Prayers that you get through that latest challenge quickly!

  21. Take good care of yourself, John. We’ll all make do without your brilliant voice of reason in the meantime, but your health comes first! I’m already itching to read those columns you previewed but I will patiently wait until you are back in the saddle. Wishing you a speedy recovery with minimal pain!

    1. I though the same, but as my American Indian buddies taught me, the worst things in life happen for no reason at all. Dear Lord, please stay close to this incredible writer. WRT the Witch Mayor of Dolton, I just got back from paying my respects to Increase and Cotton Mather at Copp’s Hill burying ground in Boston. We could use them now – except I don’t believe we would need the water test on Mayor Henyard, she floats!

      Get well!!

  26. Oy.

    May our heavenly Father bless your medical team with insight, skill, and compassion. May He bless you with quick and complete healing. May He surround you and your family with His loving arms of peace during this trial.

    And why did I just flash on a picture of the Six Million Dollar Man? ::rolling eyes::

    Keep on keepin’ on, Kass.

  27. John, take it easy and get some rest, get better! Your horse will be well taken care of, your Lance polished and ready to go when you’re out!

  28. Oh John, you need to catch a break. As you move through this, picture yourself next spring, fly fishing in that river up north. You will make it next year. And don’t forget, WE NEED YOU! Get well very soon.

  30. What are your physicians waiting for? Get rid of that gallbladder. Like the appendix, you don’t need it at your age. Plus those stones can go elsewhere like common bile duct and then you’ll really experience a pain!
    But most importantly, get well fast and get back writing the column ASAP

  31. Damn, John, what the hell !!! You take care of yourself. Let the doctors do their thing again and go at it one day at a time. The back up team will mind the store. And, your family here is here for you when you need it.

    Get well soon

  36. Like a classic car, parts need to be replaced & modified, then it’s good for another 5-10 years before more of the same is needed. Prayers to you John. The lake, your fishing friends, family & readers will all be waiting for you.

  37. It is said God only gives us challenges we can overcome. I’d bet your thinking “why does he think me THIS capable to be repeatedly challenged? “ The fish will spawn again next season, the stream full of steelhead and you, my daily dose of sanity will wet your fly line again. Do what the docs tell you including post surgery diet changes. BTW Dilaudid is a helluva pain killer. Like morphine it will cloud your mind and that is not good in the long term.
    Get better soon. We need you to keep the Chicago/Springfieldi/White House way in check.
    God bless you and the Sicilian as you meet this challenge.

  38. Yianni,
    No worries, that surgery can be done arthroscopically, piece of cake. And while you’re at it, have your docs check your blood work specifically for thallasemia traits, like poikilocytosis. This particular anomaly can trigger gall bladder issues later in life….I should know! Sorry you missed the fishing trip, but I sympathize with the the ordeal with which you are dealing currently. Epomoni! And perastika!!!

  40. Sorry to hear about the gallstones John. The Stones said it best…” what a drag it is getting old.” Theres only one way for Mayor Tiffany of Dolton to go. To Chicago. Claim residency and run for mayor. Let’s be honest Mayor Panic and his minions have pissed off at least half of Chicago. Mayor Tiffany would piss off ALL of Chicago. This includes the progressives that elected Mayor Panic. Especially. Mayor Tiffany is a modern day Marie Antoinette. Eating cake in Las Vegas with her posse on her taxpayers backs. Truly the worst the Democrats have to offer and Dolton certainly deserves it by electing her mayor in the first place. Sometimes you have to completely burn down the house in order to BUILD BACK BETTER. If Chicago is dying the slow death of a thousand knives then lets floor the gas pedal and aim for the concrete pylon. Get it over with. No sense in prolonging the inevitable. Dr. Kervorkian would be proud. Think of the Moutzas she would provide as she collapses the city of Chicago like that bridge in Baltimore. And just as quickly. Maybe some bored millennial can do a “Gofund Me” to get an apartment in Chicago for Mayor Tiff so we can get the ball rolling! Get well John. You have many fishing trips left in you…

  42. John, get well, rest up and come back swinging. We need your voice in these tumultuous times.

    P.S. I feel your pain of missing fishing. I find it a wonderful past time myself.

  45. Gallstone pancreatitis is like a fire in your belly. Long ago I cared for some patients with this.
    Your doctors are waiting for the inflammation to go down before surgery. Fortunately IV fluids and narcotics can help you get past this malady. All your readers are very sympathetic! Get better soon!
    We will miss your columns for a bit but your health is most important. These past couple years must make you feel like Job, a good man who had everything–a good family, a good name, enough wealth (how many steaks can one eat?). Then tragedy strikes and he loses everything. But Satan couldn’t get him to denounce God. Why do bad things happen in the world and why does God allow them?
    Why is there evil in the world? We await your thoughts on this. Take care, my friend. Greg

  47. I am so sorry about the gallstones and another surgery.
    Be well and steady recovery, don’t push it.
    Dream about the river up North and celebrating Easter with your Family.

    You do have many more columns to write but know that
    your back up writers have been great.

    Prayers for you, Betty and your Family.
    God Bless you all and your Doctors and Nurses!

  48. Experienced 3 attacks, each lasting 12 hours. The year, 1970 as I drove myself to the emergency room in my Pontiac Catalina trying to figure out what the hell was going on. Long story short, cut me open the old-fashioned way, nine days recovering at a loss of a bunch of pounds. Lucky though as the stone or stones could have stretched into my pancreas causing a goodbye, see you later alligator. I sympathize with what you have gone through these past months and wish you a speedy recovery. You are blessed with a wonderful family which always helps. You are the best John. As a passing note just to let you know when you left that paper you worked for, so did yours truly. Side note: worked for a wonderful Greek family that owned the Sugar Bowl in Des Plaines as a Soda Jerk!! They had 5 sons. Think they added me as number 6.

  49. All the best John! You got this! And remember – it could be worse – you could be in Canada waiting for 6 months for that “free” healthcare!

  50. John, from Flyover Land get better and get ready to fish with DP!
    Public Housing downtown will go great with the $1k money to get/month to spend as you please. And don’t forget if we can legalize Sex workers Chicago will be the New Vegas!
    Get better John the city won’t.

  52. I am a brother Gall bladder trouble brother. I attest to your description of the pain! I’ve had mine removed so am on the other side of that issue now. Prayers and thoughts going your way during this addition to your medical woes. You’ll be back – as Ahnuuld says. Hang in there – we’re ALL with you!

  53. I’m so sorry to hear about your gallstones. Sending prayers and my love to you and your family.
    Don’t worry about the column. We’ll be here for you as we have always been.
    Get well and take care.
    Bummer about the fishing trip. I guess it just means the next one you go on they’ll be a huge fish to reel in.
    God speed John.

  55. I’m sorry to hear this, John. After what you’ve been through I’m sure you will pull through with flying colors. I’ll resubmit my submission on John Cullerton in case you reach the bottom of the barrel and run out of guest columnists. You’ll get to that river up north – just not this year.

  57. Good luck John on your surgery. You will come through it even stronger than ever! Rest up and you are always welcome to the ” Free State of Florida” especially my place in Fort Myers, if you could use some sun and ill take you out into the Gulf for some deep sea sport fishing. Phil Callozzo c.p.d. ret.

  58. Good luck on your surgery John, and hope it is soon. Me and many others seriously need your columns. I am in my 80’s and have never known this county to be in such horrible shape. I depend on your columns to keep me update and to give me hope. The name John has just been added to my prayer list. Praying for a quick recovery.

  61. I’ve experienced two kidney stone attacks five years apart. The first attack required three morphine shots to dull the pain. After about 18 hrs, I could taste the morphine on my tongue.

    John, can you taste the morphine yet?

    Oh, I had my gallbladder removed a few years ago. The surgeons neglected to clean out my bile ducts after surgery, and I developed sepsis a few weeks later. Make sure the surgeon cleans your bile ducts. I almost died, not from an infected gallbladder, but from sepsis. One more point: the hospital claimed it wasn’t “standard operating procedure” to clean out bile ducts after gallbladder surgery. Since I survived, we didn’t sue. However, the Brits NHS … read Socialized Medicine … requires cleaning bile ducts as part of removing the gallbladder. Make sure your surgeon is at least up to NHS standards.

  63. Oh, John. I think you have seen enough hospitals lately. My husband recently had gallbladder surgery and it was uneventful. Praying you have equally great results. We need you to make sense of this topsy-turvy world we are now in. Recover well – making sure you are ready to come back this time fully restored to the great writer you are!! We will miss you, but there are so many talented people who can pick up the slack for a short while! God Bless!!

  64. It is a privilege to join with your legions of friends asking the Lord to be with you through this and to grant you the gift of healing.

    See, I think this could be construed as a good thing! Understanding that Mayor P.H. (yes Pointy Hair) has everything under control; the Soros-driven idiocy is out of the prosecuting business in Cook County; County President F.S. (that stands for Fancy Shoes) has taken a right turn, realizing all the evil havoc she’s excreted over the county; County Sheriff “E.E.H.” Dart (because he loves the Empty Echoing Halls of his jail) has realized his JOB is to hang on to the local dimwits and scaliwags; “W.M” (What Money?) Burke has returned the gifts he’s received through the years. The “S.F.W.W.D.” (Sorry For What We Did) Newspaper has decided to hearken back to it’s Col. McCormick roots…..the list just goes for days! Now, having experienced the quintessential pain of gall stones, you’ll have SOMETHING to write about!!! God-speed, good man. Rest well, knowing how much God loves you.

  65. Good Lord, thank heavens medical records are now digitized. Otherwise they’d be cutting down a forest for yours. Knock this stuff off – enough is enough.
    Don’t fret about the river up north, it’s been there and will be there. What you and your bug tossing buddies need to get into is wading or drifting for smallies on the Kankakee. That season is just about to start and goes into the fall. Throwing topwater and watching the surface explode and the rod bend makes life right. And while you’re healing, watch the movie “Mending the Line.” It tells us again why we fly fish.

  68. Not fun, I’m sure, but you’ll tough it out like an old neighborhood guy. Be back as soon as you can – we need your scholarly and totally spot-on reporting now more than ever. At $50/yr it’s a bargain, and beats the hell out of subscribing to “the paper”!

  70. I am so sad to hear that John. Please take good care. I am going to Church tonight and will light a candle and pray for you. I pray for a quick Recovery. We need you for Pasha and for always.

  75. If the ‘Affordable Housing’ takes place in LaSalle Street, then what will happen to the Wild Life as my late friend Royko would put it and where would they go?

    Btw, wish you speedy recovery from the hospital bed.

  79. As long as you can keep the faith, think clearly, and retain your ability to help us get through this long national nightmare, you will recover. All the best to you and yours, and to your medical team!

  80. Thanks for defying the Lovely Sicilian (God bless her!), to check in with us. Heal quickly and be well. You are a treasure in these messed up times. Take care!

  82. John, hang in there and prayers are on the way.
    I hate to change the subject, but this has been on my mind since I read the article about converting LaSalle Street to housing- afforable and poor suckers who will pay the high rent. And this is 0 where do they park their cars (if they have the) and most importantly where do they do their grocery shopping especialy those people in the affordable apartments. I haven’t seen that addressed in the great (?) Mayor’s remarks. This is nuts like all the other plans that come out of the Mayor’s mouth.

    Hang in there John, we are all with you.

  84. Good grief! Just when you thought your health problems were coming to an end your gall bladder rears its ugly head! Well I “been there, done that,” as they say. Hang in there, and know that you can now say that you know what labor pain feels like. It’s the closest thing I can think of.

    Sorry about those trout…know you’ve been waiting a long time for that trip. Maybe when you are ready, take up Tim Kelly and go fishing for smallies with him. They give you the best fight, and with a fly rod it will be phenomenal.

    Take it easy after the surgery, and hopefully you have a very large ice pack you can use. Praying for your successful surgery and quick recovery, John.

Leave a Reply